Kalong's EPIC Project

If I Die Young..

2012-01-31T18:31:00.002-10:00

Yesterday I attended the packed memorial service of a guy named Andrew Keybrick whom I had met at church a few months ago. He was part of the bible study I go to on Tuesday nights and even though we weren't super close, I thought it was a super cool, genuine guy. He was only a year old than me, and his life on earth ended unexpectedly when he got hit by a vehicle whilst on a bike ride around Taiwan.
At the service his roommate read us some parts of his diary, and if anyone wasn't sobbing, they were forcing down huge lumps in their throats like I was. The one thing that helped me accept Andrew's death smoothly was knowing that he loved Jesus. How can I be sad when I know that dude, he's in HEAVEN right now? You can call it faith-but for the ones that have faith, it's called a fact. I know this guy lived his life fully-no regrets for him.
In his diary, he wrote an entry on what he would like his funeral to be like in case he ever died-so he wouldn't be stuck with a boring funeral. As I had already expected, I knew going to this funeral would lead me to start thinking about my own...
Thanks to Andrew for the inspiration, here goes my own requests in case I leave this earth without having a chance to say goodbye.

I think my funeral would be really cool because (well, if everyone that ever knew me came) everyone would meet someone that they would never have became friends with on their own. So I would want one huge fun icebreaker so people aren't just huddled up in groups, creepy strangers in black. Maybe that vikings and pirates game-anyone from EPIC could lead it. I can't say whether I would like it inside or outside, cause who knows what the weather would be like at my funeral. I don't care if I have an open casket or if I'm in an urn, my body really won't matter anymore, will it?
I would just like everyone to be happy for me and give my family lots of love. And take care of my dog Cheerio. My brother can have my computer, but other than that I don't own anything of much value anymore. If I am traveling at the time of my death, I just want to be buried/cremated wherever it is most convenient. I have a ton of journals and diaries too, but I am a little ashamed to admit that most of the stuff I've written is to vent out anger or sadness. If anything I've written should be read at my service I'd prefer it to be from my blogs!! Or Twitter!!

I guess I haven't throughly thought about how I would like things to be-I just felt a need to write something, ANYTHING because only God knows how much time we have left. I hope I leave on good terms with everyone, everyone that I love and everyone that loves me back. I hope I have been an inspiration and I'm sorry for failing at being the best role model sometimes. I do pride myself on being a human and admitting to lessons learned. I do hope, if it's God's plan, to live long enough to travel the world, marry my soulmate, start my own non-profit for a much-needed cause, run a marathon (just cause that's what everyone does) and learn how to cook.

Ummm also sorry if I've ever been disrespectful, selfish, or impatient. Sometimes I'm really bad at hiding my emotions if I am having a crappy day or if I'm tired or hungry... I hope I have been a good person overall, and that if all sides of my life were to be examined that everyone would still like me. Not because I wish for approval but because I really tried to show Christ through my life, despite frequent failures.

Remember me, but don't miss me too much. Don't pause too long before continuing on your own adventures!!!!!!

Oh I hope there is lots of food at my service cause sometimes when people cry too much they get hungry afterwards (I do). Speaking of food, I'm going to get lunch now. Later <3

On making lists.

2011-12-18T03:20:00.004-10:00

I had a pretty crummy day and sadly, I have no one to blame but myself. I woke up still a little wasted and missed church again, which is always a horrible start to a Sunday! I writhed, tangled my sheets in despair over the pain in my head til about late in the afternoon ignoring my Blackberry while my friends went for lunches, played frisbee in the park, and other productive, fun things without me. After showering I sat in a daze staring at the blank TV in the living room and randomly flipped through an IKEA magazine, completely zoned out for an hour or so. I only had two main things to do today: buy a dresser and go soak in a hot spring. I need a dresser because there is a mountain of clothes on my bed, spilling on to the floor and I had open suitcases everywhere cause I have too many clothes for my own good. And I needed to go to a hot springs because I've been DYING to for the past few weeks and friends have been flaky so I was determined to go for sure today.

Needless to say, none of that happened and I ended up taking my second steaming hot shower today, aggravated by the relentless cold since our house does not have heaters. No houses in Taiwan really do.

But while I was in the shower, irritated at myself for sipping into bad moods so often lately, I suddenly remembered a quote that went something like this: "Whether it's a bad day or a good day, remember that it's the only day you have." I'm pretty sure I posted that as a Facebook status sometime a few years ago. It's so easy to focus on all the misfortunes and forget that 1) how we react is completely under our control and 2) we can choose to be happy.

Oh, one little known fact about me. Two of my uncles are pastors. Like, Christian pastors of churches. During my trip in Hong Kong, I spent the last night at one of my pastor uncle's place because he was going to bring me to the airport the following day. I woke up really early for some bizarre reason and saw him writing something in a notebook on the dining table so I went over to ask him what he was writing of course. What he told me, I'm still thinking about. He showed me the notebook, and on it was a list of stuff. He said they were blessings, and that every Monday and every Thursday he sets aside quiet time in the mornings to write down as many good things in his life he can possibly remember between then and the last time. I thought it was a great idea, and I wondered why I never did it before-I even jokingly told him that I do the opposite: I share and write down things that upset me or bad things that happen to me. But then he said the second thing that I can't forget. Smiling, he told me, there's no need to write down the bad things because it's easy to remember things that upset us, but it's harder to remember the good things. SO write them down.

Pastor men are so wise because they read the Bible a lot, a lot more than me anyhow. Anyways so while I was in the shower it hit me that instead of counting all the crap things I need to start making lists. Happy lists. A list of blessings, every Monday and Thursday so it stays in my head throughout the week. And then I won't write blog posts detailing my boring depressing days anymore :)

Speaking a fraction my horribly guilty mind.

2011-12-13T03:34:00.005-10:00

So since there was a Victoria's Secret FREE SHIPPING promotion on the site, I took a shower, got into PJ's and snuggled with my new IKEA sofa pillows on the new orange couch. Then I took out a piece of cheesecake from the fridge and made myself some hot chocolate, and flipped open my laptop. As I was deciding between which new flannel PJs I wanted to order, I switched over to Facebook and saw this:

A bit different from this:

.............it doesn't matter where I live or what kind of job I do or how much I make or what my expenses are, it won't matter how old I am or who my friends are. Once I get reminded of the existence of millions of people whom are less fortunate (put nicely), I just cannot justify buying and getting more colors of the same clothes I already have sent to me from America during this holiday season.

I don't like this of me. I don't like that I forgot so easily. Instead of the $$ I would have just so easily spent an hour ago on VS tees and yoga pants, I'm donating towards a better cause.

There are hundreds of charities, so how do I know which one to support? Which ones will actually make the most use of the money? Which ones are the most efficient? There are sites that help rate charities like Charity Navigator that lists and rates the expenses, missions and overview of any charity that makes that information available.

On a normal basis I consciously give back, but this being the holiday season...I tend to spend more. Let's reverse that. I just hope that me being reminded can help remind everyone else as well! Cheers!

Here's a list of my favorite charities that I highly recommend:

charitywater
UNICEF
NothingbutNets
SavetheChildren
and Oxfam to start :)

Eight Random Things I'm Thankful For (since eight is a random number)

2011-11-24T04:54:00.002-10:00

Thanksgiving 2011, second year in Taipei and here I am feeling the greasy weight of a Peking duck dinner instead of turkey and pumpkin pie. Doesn't matter though, Thanksgiving is about being grateful for things in your life...and I love to reflect. Here we go.

1) I am thankful for having a job! I have a nice boss and the more adorable students.
2) I am thankful for my supportive family!
3) I am thankful that I can be living in Taipei again where all the food is cheap and I still don't have to learn how to cook.
4) I am thankful for all my friends back at home who still love me even though I left twice!
5) I am thankful for all my new/old friends in Taipei that always want to help out or hang out.
6) I am thankful today was a sunny day!!
7) I am thankful for my health, that I've gotten skinnier even though I don't exercise anymore :o
8) I am thankful for my boyfriend and the adventures that we are continuing to have here :)

Seriously, never say never.

2011-09-23T18:16:00.003-10:00

You know, if none of my friends from home had asked about my life in Taipei, I wouldn’t be back here now. If no one had gone out of their way to welcome me back home, if no one wanted to know why I was so happy there, if no one cared and everyone just pretended I had only been gone for a little bit on a short trip, I would have been just fine. If people would have quit asking about my boyfriend, my teaching experience, places I’ve traveled to, things I ate, the friends I’ve met, I wouldn’t have spent hours reminiscing, in detail what a blessed life I lived in Taiwan. But the worse part was when people asked me why I came back to Portland if I was so happy living abroad…because all the answers I had in my head just seemed lame in comparison to the reality.
And reality didn’t hit me til I got home and drove in my car, played with my dog and partied downtown with my friends again. I had a great time back in Portland. But my reality is that at this point in my life, I can do whatever I want. Nothing is tying me down to anything. I THOUGHT I wanted to work a respectable 9-5 job at some non-profit, build up my resume, pay back school loans, hit up happy hour every weekday and go out on the weekends and then church only on Sunday…but my mind was still on Taiwan. I wasn’t ready to let it fade into treasured memories.
It was a hard decision, it really was. And how do I deal with those? I talked to my parents and they told me to talk to God. If you know my parents, it’s such a typical thing for them to say. Let me just say, it’s been awhile since I’ve felt close to God. I’m being very honest, and it’s not something I wanted to share with everyone cause well, it look pretty bad when you leave the country to build a church and you come back burnt out. There are many things I would have done differently and will do differently this time around. But these things show that I am human, and that if I believe God still loves me insanely, so can you.
It was a bratty thing for me to do, but I asked God for a dream to tell me whether or not I should go back to Taipei. My roommate in Taipei, Lindsey, always told me that my dreams meant something cause they were so bizarre all the time, but I never believed her. I only pay attention to my dreams if I ask for something specific. But maybe she’s right, cause that night I had one of the most vivid dreams I had ever had. I’ll spare the details but in it I was in Taipei, and I was so full of joy but surprised that all my friends treated me just like I had never left.
And so, I felt kinda bad turning my Welcome Back parties into Going Away parties, and wondered why I was having parties in the first place anyway. But many schools have already started, and I didn’t have time to waste. Booked a one way ticket on Friday, and here I am now typing away at a café in Shida.
I know what you want to know. Everyone and their moms suspect I came back to be with my boyfriend Frederik. I’d be a liar if I denied him having to do with any of it, but as of right now he’s not even back here yet. And yes, about him. I could write a completely different post on us. When we said teary good byes three weeks ago, I never thought I would see him again, but everyone kept on telling me to never say never.
Yeh, my life is crazier than the made-up stories.

If only I could live in two places at once...

Sidenote.

2011-08-23T16:36:00.003-10:00

I originally just wanted to write about my day yesterday, but then got carried off. Everyone that knows me well enough knows that I have a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE memory. I think it could actually maybe be a brain disease. My friend Joanna moved to Taipei last week to pretty much do the same thing I did here for a year (minus ministry part) and we've been spending a lot of time together as I'm showing her how to get around the place :) But this girl, takes pictures of EVERYTHING. It's cute, but it also started to make me panic...because I have not documented my everyday life much at all....what if I forget everything?!?! I carry my camera with me all the time but rarely take pictures fdsjfa;jdsfladfjag. Sometimes I really REALLY miss having internet on my phone so I can just snap photos and post on here or on Facebook or something. When I go back to the states, I am SO getting an iPhone. No more of this barbaric no-data plan nonsense!!!

Since yesterday was a normal but happy day, I'm just going to write about it in as much detail as i can remember. This is just for myself, don't read it unless you really, REALLY have nothing else to do (which I don't believe anyway, it's a beautiful sunny day-go out there and wash your car or ride a bike or write on your own blog!)

Yesterday morning was my very last day of Chinese class. It was an intense term, and I passed my Achievement test at the end no problemo. I wish I could take more Chinese classes, it sounds crazy, but I really enjoyed it and listening to Japanese, Koreans and Vietnamese accents. Being the teacher's pet, of course I had to show up with a rose and a card (which I got everyone to sign) for Teacher. 我會想他們。I never learned my Chinese Teacher's name, but she was the coolest old Taiwanese lady ever. On the bright side, I don't have to wake up at 7:30 anymore!!!

After class some classmates and I went for coffee, and then I sat on the school patio outside to wait for Frederik to 下課。I almost sweated to death because I didn't want to go into the school library. WHO HANGS OUT AT THE SCHOOL LIBRARY ON THE LAST DAY OF CLASS??! Well, in college cause of Finals, but we had our finals last week. So anyways he comes out and we walk to my classmate's cafe restaurant near Shida cause I promised her I would come check it out before school got out. It was cute, Fred and I almost got into a fight over where to sit cause I couldn't make up my mind, and we hung out and chatted with her and her boss for a bit about the plants outside the window, and then we left after lunch.

As we were walking, it started to downpour like mad. They were BIG DROPS of water, the kind that if you're driving, makes you scared that your windows will shatter from the force of rain (at least I always worry). I didn't have an umbrella, so we ran down the street to this park with a basketball roof thing and just sat there amidst this typhoon wave. We were sitting in the middle, but the wind was blowing so hard we still got wet!! It was romantic, kind of. After awhile I got impatient watching tree branches fall on parked cars and stuff, so Fred got drenched flagging down a cab and we dropped by his place cause he had an appointment to get his shower fixed or something.

I dried off and then went to work! I stood on the bus all the way there, and noted that a lot of elderly people routinely rode on my bus line. Because elders, pregnant ladies, handicapped and women with small babies always get priority seating, I almost never get to sit on the bus when I go to work. Sometimes when I'm tired, I contemplate holding my belly and pretending to be pregnant so that some high schooler will give up their seat. Haven't yet, maybe I'll give it a shot before I leave, but I look so young, I don't think it will be worth the judgmental stares...

Yesterday was one of my favorite student's 8th birthday! I prepared a birthday card for her (I didn't want to bring a present cause that's favoritism :( ) and we were supposed to do finger painting at a point to make autumn trees! After I poured out the paint and showed them how to do it, birthday girl states to me, "Teacher Kalong, today is my birthday and I do not want to get so dirty." Alas, I couldn't find it in me to force them to play with paint on their hands so I grabbed paper and brushes and let them paint instead. So cute. After class as I was cleaning up, one of my students runs into my classroom and yells, "Teacher Fred is downstairs!!!" Eh? Oh yeah, that's just Fred. It makes me so happy when my boyfriend comes to pick me up after work. I can't explain why, but it always makes my day to see him by the door. <3 I finished up and then we walked out hand in hand without really speaking, me still thinking about work and him just happy to be with me (muahhaa) and we crossed the street to the night market in Yonghe cause he wanted to grab something to eat. Joanna called me with awesome news that she got a job!! Yay thank you God! We chat and chat while Fred wanders around a couple different stalls for food and even stuffed this nasty slimy dumpling thing in my mouth after I got off the phone.

Sigh. This is getting long.

We went straight to Ximen after to catch a movie. Fred and I were the first ones there, so we walked around looking for the showtimes for the Smurfs. It wasn't playing anywhere in Ximen, so we decided to watch Jump Ashin instead. It's a Taiwanese movie about a guy and gymnastics, but it had English subtitles and William had been waiting to see it anyway. The guy's name is Ashin, and being a champion gymnast was his big dream, but then he get caught up in gangs, and then goes back blah blah it was an inspirational 'never give up on your dreams' based-on-a-true-story movie. Lots of blood, but good message not bad. Vic, Joanna, William, Fred and I all had pretty different reactions to the movie. Actually, I don't know what Vic thought but I'll assume she liked it cause it was Taiwanese and she loves all things Taiwanese. William was disappointed there was more gangster fighting than gymnastic sports. Joanna didn't like all the violence and couldn't believe it was PF (there was a lot of breaking bottles over people's heads, shooting, etc) and Fred liked it. When we got out, I realized that I was starving cause I had forgotten to eat dinner, we all (minus Vic) went to a night market and got this huge plate of mixed noodles and stuff to share..I can't explain it but Joanna has pictures and then after we cabbed home around 1:30am to sleep.

Oh, happy normal day. The end.

And now I've been up since 9:30am writing til now, almost noon. Time to get ready for work soon!

A year ago, I landed in Taipei.

2011-08-23T15:33:00.005-10:00

How weird to think of it like that. I pretty much just sat and consumed myself in thoughts, expectations, goals and plans for my time in Taipei. I had no idea it would go by so quickly, and I still can't believe now MUCH BETTER it actually was than anything I had imagined!!! But in two weeks, it will be time to go home.

But I think anywhere I go and whomever I will meet will be just fine. Because people make me happy, and people are everywhere (unless I move to Antarctica, but I don't think I can find a job there)!!! At church this Sunday, Pastor Jeff (he's so cool) preached about how I (whenever people say God's children, or followers of Jesus, or 'you all' at a church service I just automatically hear it as if I'm the one being talked to) how I am an APPRAISER by default. Appraisers see the true value in things, and declare it. Since we are made in God's image, we value what He values and He values PEOPLE. It doesn't take any effort to dig out the dirt in people's lives, but it takes true skill to mine out the gold. So basically. I love people, and I need to remember to do my life job of telling old friends and new friends how priceless they are, and really meaning it from the bottom of my heart. That was actually pretty easy to do to Taiwan, because I felt like everyone here had such a sincere heart, even more so than mine! I've probably jinxed myself now, the next place I go to will probably have the world's meanest people...

There's one thing I think Pastor Jeff may have left out. In order to see the how much a person is worth in God's eyes, you have to KNOW and BELIEVE in your OWN worth first. I was a cocky little girl. I don't know where I got it from, my parents probably loved me too much or something. And then in high school and college it was only reinforced, but as I matured it transformed into more of a strong confidence and a very driven mentality...but I was still a bit cocky. What I realized was that I'm proud because of my own 'accomplishments', but if I was a loser, I wouldn't like myself anymore. But God still would see me as a treasure. So I guess you can say now, I'm cocky cause God says I'm worth a lot, and I don't think that's so bad. When I say "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"... the answer is, "I am a princess. My Dad is King of the Universe and He thinks I'm pretty awesome. I have supernatural powers, and if/when I pray, things will happen." And do you have any idea all the things you can accomplish when you KNOW you can never fail, cause the Creator of the Universe is amazed by YOU? Don't know if it sounds like I lost it, but it's worked for me so far :) And it will continue to work as I step into the next chapter of life after Taipei. Still can't believe I have only conquered 23 years of my life. Sometimes it feels like it's taking foreverrrrrrr.

Year 22-23: Taipei, Taiwan. Check!

I've been forgetting, I'm worth a lot.

2011-08-17T18:12:00.002-10:00

"I'm Worth It"

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: “What kind of man are you looking for?”

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, “Do you really want to know?”

Reluctantly, he said, “Yes.”

She began to expound: “As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can’t do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man…. or woman for that matter”.

I am in the position to ask, “What can you bring to the table?”

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought & stated, “I am not referring to money. I need something more.” “I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.”

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.

She said: “I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple-minded man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked…believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don’t need a financial burden.

I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.

I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy.

And by the way, I am not looking for him. He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.” When she finished her spill, she looked at him.
He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, “You are asking a lot.”

She replied, “I’m worth a lot.”

Staring at my ceiling.

2011-08-02T17:07:00.003-10:00

My former roommate Lindsey's KTV party!

I used to write in order to share an epiphany, or to reach one...and now I do neither. I wish that I always had something important to say, words of encouragement or inspiration, or something worth reading. But right now I'm just sprawled out on my big orange IKEA sheets in my flat with the sunlight shining in through the windows after class, listening to Mariah Carey Christmas songs.
The month of August is slowly spreading out before me, with lots of free time since it's summer and I only have 8-12 hours of work per week. It's okay though, because I don't need the money. Time traveling, exploring, spending time with beloved friends before I leave Taipei is priceless. I truly feel at peace because I fully lived a year of my life here, and I enjoyed every moment of it without letting any opportunities pass me by. I would never ever trade this moment for anything...yet I won't stay either. I'm only 23.

As horribly irresponsible it seems, (and uncharacteristic as well) I haven't planned my next step upon my return to Portland, Oregon. Well, besides reuniting with my darling Cheerio and taking him on the longest walk ever and then getting into my car and going for a loooong drive and then meeting friends for Mexican food. Then move for a job on the east coast? Start grad school in Europe? Go live on Maui? Join the Peace Corps? Anything goes. Just...not sure if I want to live at my parents house for very long haha

A good friend asked me after dinner yesterday, is a year in Taipei really enough? Well, a taxi driver told me last week that if I wanted to really see and do everything in Taipei it would take 15 years (but by then, everything will be different again). So my answer is, no. But I'm addicted to CHANGE. Will I ever settle? Of course, but only God knows when that time will come...

I have no idea how my LIFE will fit into two 50 lb suitcases.

REFLECTION: Day Ten

2011-07-19T05:20:00.001-10:00

Day Ten: A picture of the person you do the most f***'d up stuff with.

Now, it wouldn't be fun if everyone knew everything, would it?

REFLECTION: Day Nine

2011-07-12T04:52:00.003-10:00

Day Nine: A picture of the person that has gotten you through the most.

So many people have picked me up, held my head, listened my heart being poured out, touched my soul, and inspired me forever, but when I read this caption, Dee was the first person that came to mind. Even though we were only roommates for a year, he was the best friend and brother. He picked me up from class when it was pouring down rain and freezing cold, even if it was only a few blocks from school and he complained the whole time doing it. He sat with me when I cried forever on our kitchen floor cause I ran into some guy I really used to like at the campus bar. He never beat me up when I did stupid things, and I put up with a year of hearing him practice the same song over and over again on his guitar. I think he would even bring me food when I had to pull all-nighters to finish up projects for EPIC or for school, I think. He always encouraged me when I was frustrated with all the stuff I was doing throughout college, and tolerated my studying out-loud/teach-back-so-I-can-remember sessions. He also happens to be one of the coolest guys I know. I could always depend on Dee, he's one of the best friends a girl like me could ever have and I thank God so much for letting him into me life! Um, I love and miss this guy, and I still tell him everything. And he's totally gonna make fun of me for writing this, whatever you know you like it.

REFLECTION: Day Eight

2011-07-12T04:40:00.002-10:00

Day Eight: A picture that makes you laugh.

This was the last photo that made me laugh OUT LOUD.

My little brother 'planking'. Yeh, if you don't know what it is, you've obviously been living under a rock. Or maybe you're out of high school...anyway!!! My brother Daniel and I have a really unique relationship. I don't really understand it really, cause we don't fight, but we're not the closest siblings either, but my love for this guy goes DEEP. I admire him a lot actually, and even though we're as different as night and day, I am very, VERY proud of my little brother. But people always think that I'm an only child-I'm not sure why.

The two other boys are Alvin and Kemble, they have stuck around my brother for as long as I can remember...they're like a little boy band BEST FRIENDS, there's one more too-Ryan, not sure where he is..probably the one taking the picture. I had the privilege of getting to know them on a deeper level when I was one of their youth group leaders while I was in college. They are SO FUNNY when they are together, and they do weird things. Like this.

I miss my brother a little sometimes, but he's well taken care of back at my former university and with EPIC :) Following in my footsteps buahhahaha but definitely not living under my shadow. Love you brother! <3

REFLECTION: Day Seven

2011-07-11T06:24:00.003-10:00

I AM SO BEHIND.

Day Seven: A picture of your most treasured item.

REFLECTION: Day Six

2011-07-07T05:33:00.003-10:00

Day Six: A picture of a person you would like to trade places with for a day.

This kid. One of my students, I absolutely adore him. He's crazy, this one-he can't sit still for more than a minute and he's not afraid to say or shout whatever he wants whenever he wants. He's so happy all the time and he's so small. Life is so simple for him and school is all about playing games. Don't you wish you could be a kid again...just for a day?! Oh, all the insane things I would do just cause I could get away with it...

REFLECTION: Day Five

2011-07-07T05:22:00.002-10:00

Day Five: A picture of (one of) your favorite memory (s).
Organic Brewers Festival Summer 2010: Oh, I love friends, sunshine and good beer.

REFLECTION: Day Four

2011-07-04T06:13:00.004-10:00

Day Four: A picture from one of your favorite nights.

I couldn't choose just ONE night. And there were too many nights that pictures just can't quite portray. Assuming that I didn't lose my camera. So HERE is one that stirred up some fond memories! This is me over at Aaron's (Chase and Matt's) old place, buzzing Chase's hair off. It's just a snapshot of how life was with Epic. I loved and was loved (and TRUSTED) in return by friends so close we were family. This was just a random Thursday night during college around 1-2am, and people were just hanging out watching TV, making food, dropping by, and trying to give me tips on my first time giving someone a haircut. I just felt so relaxed, so happy, so myself. Thank you for many many nights like these that we had together.

Oh, Corvallis.

REFLECTION: Day Three

2011-07-03T01:33:00.003-10:00

Day Three: A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

I never really got into the whole television thing. But there WAS one show that I used to watch more consistently than others, and that was House. I learned a lot of medical terminology!! And I was also going through my year of Anatomy and Physiology in college so it was cool being about to understand it. Okay that's all.

REFLECTION: Day Two

2011-06-30T17:41:00.006-10:00

Day two: A picture of you and the person you've been close to the longest.

From when we were two little girls learning Jesus songs at VBS, spending hours at the mall as teenagers, and now FB messaging each other long elaborate messages from across the world, Renette Yan has ultimately held the 'best friend' title since we were 4-5 years old. We were superglued to each other during the younger years, and people would always get our names mixed up at church. Yeh, we grew up in the same Chinese Christian church off Foster rd. When I got older and didn't HAVE to go w. my parents anymore, I would still go just to see my best friend!! (Which I should say was Jesus!! But you know how it goes.) High school was a rough time cause of our different social circles and the way we responded to authority (me not so well, her a lot better) and well, for college we went to rival schools but that didn't matter. We found ourselves leading in the same college ministry (EPIC) and I kind of find it strange (now that I'm thinking about it) we don't talk about God that much even though if it weren't for church we would have never met, and if it weren't for how God laid our lives out, we wouldn't still be friends now!
But Renette is one of those friends with whom I can pick up a deep OR shallow conversation with, regardless of how long and how far we've been apart, and it's like our hearts just understand each other. We're so different, but it works. We have a weird sense of humor but I always find her hilarious haha and I would do anything for her!!!

No matter what I go through and how much I'll change, she still knows me better sometimes than I know myself. That is a true friend.

Oh, there is so much I could say about Renette. So many ridiculous memories, getting in trouble together, being so happy for each other, meeting each others boyfriends as the years go by. I love that I can always be myself around her and tell her my opinion on everything even if she doesn't necessarily ask for it ;) I also love that we can not have any contact for weeks and then of all a sudden she'll pour out a load of issues on my lap, it means she trusts me and knows I'll always listen and never condemn or judge her.

I think we were in Middle school when we promised to be each others Maid of Honor. I don't think we understood then that the Maid of Honor is suppossed to be unwed, so it would be impossible...but then we decided that we didn't care and we're gonna do it anyway.

LOVE YOU GIRL!!! (remember when we would hack into each other's Xanga pages?! haha well more like, you hacking into mine cause I was computer illiterate..)

REFLECTION: Day One

2011-06-30T06:53:00.003-10:00

Ten Facts About Me.
Oh man...not in any particular order.
1. I have to wake up in six hours (as of right now, as I'm writing) to start my first day of class as an international university student for a summer term to learn how to read and write in Chinese, in Taipei, Taiwan.
2. I grew up in Portland, OREGON and I right now I miss beerfests, bonfires, camping, river floating and BBQ's. And my dog Cheerio.
3. I teach English at a cram school and I absolutely adore my students and am so blessed at work.
4. I'm obsessed with writing down everything and anything, and then drawing stick figures.
5. And making lists. I love making lists for everything.
6. I love God more than anything in this life, and I try my best to live the life He intended for me. I'm not perfect though, but I'm sincere and truthful about it. I saved Him for #6 cause #6 is my favorite number ;)
7. This blog is actually referring to my LIFE as the project, because I'm always building on it, changing it, improving it, making mistakes and learning.
8. Someday I want to start my own NGO for an amazing cause. That might take a little while though, but I'm still gonna dream big!
9. I have no idea where I'll be and what I'll be doing in 3 months. I guess that's okay when you're 23-old enough to take charge of your life but still young enough to screw up and it will still all be okay.
10. I'm in love, despite how inconvenient it is at this point of my life.

Okay, that is all for today! Whew!

30 Days of Reflection

2011-06-30T06:39:00.003-10:00

With every new chapter of life, I always tend to find myself losing/rediscovering my identity. I've been in a weird funk-the last few weeks have consisted of me either zoning out into numbness, and being consumed with daily...just daily stuff I guess. So today I met up with my friend Liesl whom I adore to go 'power walking' through Daan Park which is between both our places now. We chatted the whole time and caught each other up on our lives and I realized this-I'm a horrible listener. I will ask a question cause I really am curious, but if the other person's response reminds me of something I could relate to, I totally just launch off into my own story! It's awful! I'm sorry girl if you're reading this, but to compensate I read her blog and found out that she is doing this REFLECTION thing. Check, I love it and I'm gonna do it too!! I figured if I just WRITE out everything I want to say, I won't be as overbearing in person..;) Plus, I've really been (mentally) trying to blog more consistently ever since...I started...prob like ten years ago when we all had Xanga.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts  
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest  
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show  
Day 04 - A picture of your favorite night  
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory  
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item  
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh  
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most  
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with  
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate  
Day 12 - A picture of something you love  
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist  
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without  
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die  
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you  
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently  
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity  
Day 19 - A picture of a letter  
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel  
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget  
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at  
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book  
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change  
Day 25 - A picture of your day  
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you  
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member  
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of  
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile  
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

I'm not sure if I have the right pictures for the moments I want to express but I'll try my best!! Day One will start...today because if I don't I won't ever. And today is the first day of July!! PERFECT!

Watching my mouth.

2011-06-13T05:57:00.003-10:00

The past few weeks just whipped past, and I feel like I got run over. Parents sometimes say that their babies 'with the blink of an eye' are all suddenly grown up and I always felt like it was a wayyy over exaggerated expression but now, heh, I believe. This morning I woke up in my new bed in my new flat in my new neighborhood in Taipei and felt like I was cemented into my mattress as I slid around to hit snooze. Then I zombie walked to the bus stop after I mistakenly grabbed a custard (eww) filled bun from the bakery on the way. I went to my new school to register for new classes, and then went to work all day til 7pm. I love my students, they are the best. But at the end of the day all I want to do is lie on my back and stare at the ceiling thinking about absolutely nothing. I went back over to my old place to have dinner with the old roomies and then walked over to Women's Bible study, and read James 3. It's good stuff, about how we praise God with our mouths and then out of the same mouth we curse-and how this should NOT be.

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." James 3:9-10

Real talk, and so true. I'm totally guilty of it, sometimes worse than others. Cursing doesn't necessarily mean saying the s*** word, but just talking bad about people or complaining or being negative, all of which I do on a way too regular basis!!

I think the type of stuff that comes out of our mouths becomes a habit. If we ALWAYS swear, we don't even think about it and it's natural. If we ALWAYS say good things about everyone, encourage people, and stay positive, it becomes easier and easier. I noticed, even with all the amazing things in my life, somehow I say really negative things and I DO notice. I feel like I'm starting a new here in Taipei, and with that comes new habits I want to form to be a better human being. Cause I think even though I'm capable, I'm pretty crappy at it sometimes!

Like, instead of saying how exhausted I am, I should be raving about how fun my weekend was! I moved out into my own place! I helped a good friend move into hers! We went to a rooftop BBQ for Vic's birthday! I went to Ikea! And bought sheets! And then Ximen Loft had their monthly worship service!! (SO weird saying 'their' instead of 'we') I volunteered painting a bed frame for a 2nd hand antique shop! We ate a lot of cake! I unpacked!! And I can't wait to explore my new surrounds. I feel like a fish let loose from the plastic baggy into a new tank haha

Okay, I'm going to sleep now in my big bed, that is not a loft bed. I don't have to climb a ladder anymore. Thank you Jesus <3

"With the start of something new, comes the hope of something great."

2011-05-29T05:39:00.005-10:00

Every year, around this time, my life changes. Two years ago, I was finishing up my Junior year at Oregon State while preparing to spend the summer in Oahu with Campus Crusade's Summer Project. I was scared that REALLY following Jesus would change my life, because I had liked my life the way it was.

June 6th 2009: "Is it bad that I am a little scared? Well, I am. God and Christianity is nothing new to me, but faith and total surrender, that is nothing small..." -My Journal

But it did, and I learned that sometimes when you take a leap of faith, something unsuspectingly wonderful can happen.

One year ago, around this time again, I had a talk with my best friend about spending the rest of our lives together. And then we decided otherwise. From this I learned what a true, devoted friendship was, and that it CAN exist between a man and a woman without romance involved. So we pursued different things and continued our journey side by side, but not together. I started interning at the Red Cross, excited to begin a career with NGOs.

May 28th 2010: "It's so weird for me to think about leaving Corvallis. I love this quote: With the start of something new, comes the hope of something great." -My Journal

And now this year. I have grown so much this year-I learned how to walk the talk. And I learned not to talk so much. I worked alongside with strong, dedicated Christians that I admired and wanted to be more like. I learned that everyone has weaknesses and strengths, and that the human capacity to love and forgive was larger than I thought. Maybe knowing God helps. I met and loved many many new friends, and was loved in return. I was entrusted with people's kids, and they're still alive in my classroom and maybe even learning things from me. I also learned that I COULD survive out on my own, that I can figure out my way around a public transit system w/o knowing the language, land a job even, and fall in love with a foreign city.

But tonight was the closing of a very significant chapter of my life. My year with the Ximen Loft ministry team will forever hold a very, very special and dear place in my heart, but I chose to step off the team here and take a step forward into my own journey....in Taipei.

I am going to submerge myself into the role of consumed college STUDENT once again, learning how to not only speak, but to read and write in Chinese since I'm here anyway! A lot of my non-Taiwanese friends are university students at Shida Mandarin Training Center (part of Taiwan Normal University haha). I have been taking classes at a language institute up til now, but they focus on speaking and it's one on one. I want to be in a classroom again, with tests and homework and projects and forced library time!! Within the next month, I am moving out of Ximen Ding and into the Shida campus area and enroll for summer term! It's actually only about 20 mins away from where I'm living now, but I want to be able to walk to class. Just like the good ol' days...

Which means my Welcome Back party will have to be postponed until September.

Ahhhh too much going on in my mind right now, so I'm going to bed and hopefully just have a weird random dream that will amuse me enough to distract me enough to be normal at work tomorrow.

Oh, nine baptisms at our church today! Amazing hallelujah yay!!!

You have searched me, Lord, and You know me....

2011-05-28T14:33:00.000-10:00

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

FINALLY!! I CAN BLOG AGAIN!!!

2011-05-17T05:49:00.005-10:00

So Gmail and Blogspot and my horrible memory conducted some weird plot against me so that I couldn't get into this blog to post forever!! But I finally figured it out!! OH JOY!!! Words cannot express how happy I am :)

The past two months have been too ridiculous to summarize. I'll try to bullet point major events, by scanning my planner:

APRIL
-Started teaching KINDERGARTEN at my school. These means ME, and three year olds. CAN YOU BELIEVE THESE PARENTS?!
-AWESOME Sunday Worship Night, our house is seriously getting way too packed which is why it's so awesome we finally
-SIGNED THE RENTAL CONTRACT FOR OUR MINISTRY BUILDING IN XIMEN!!! We have a place to start having church services now, which means, time to start raising funds for remodeling...
-Went on an amazingly rainy but fun road trip to Hualien (east coast of Taiwan)
-Started 'playing' ultimate frisbee after church
-Got interviewed with the CDC
-Realized that I had to follow God instead of my heart (or rather, forced which took me a long time to accept)
-Went on a scenic day trip to Jiufen (mountain city of Taiwan)
-Two of our team members went and came back from doing relief work and evangelizing in Japan
-Crazy talented church group from Hong Kong visited us for a weekend and blessed our team SO much
-Couple "born again" birthday cakes at our place for the new Christians :)
-Ended reading "Crazy Love" for Women's group
-I gained weight

MAY
-I turned 23. I thought I'd have kids by now, but I guess other people's kids will do for the time being.
-Started to volunteer at an orphanage, to hold, feed, change, play w babies.
-I started on my 2nd textbook in Chinese!
-Prayed like crazy for my friends, my heart, and grace.
-Heard back from the CDC and I did NOT get into the fellowship I didn't realize I had my heart set on...
-Got announced/introduced by two of my Taiwanese girl friends as their BEST FRIEND <3 I love my friends here.
-Led a workshop on How to read the Bible, which totally inspired me to START studying MINE!

So now here I am, sitting at my desk after a full day of volunteering at JinWen University, chinese class, WORK, tutoring and shopping on a Tuesday night. I have been so so busy and I have missed blogging so, so much. My spiritual, mental and emotional health have had one heck of a ride these past two months, with no written outlet!! AHH!

I would say that: 90% of the time I am happy and love being here, 7% of the time I honestly don't know why I'm here, and 3% I can't stand the responsibility and the weight of an unknown future.

Because I didn't get into the CDC, I have no set job for coming back to the States, thus...I don't know when I'm coming back anymore. But no matter what happens, I know I'm in good hands cause God doesn't let go.

During a bike ride with two of my team members Sarah and Lindsey, a verse was shared with me that stuck throughout all the chaos:

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

....and for now, that's still ringing in my ears. <3

Japan is on the verge of a nuclear disaster, and I'm a regular at Coldstone.

2011-03-16T06:34:00.004-10:00

Today I walked into Cold Stone to check if they had coffee ice cream (yesterday they were out), and before I could tell the guy that I wanted the Mud Pie Mojo minus PB, plus a brownie in a wafflebowl in a Love It, he already had it half way made as he nodded his head and said "I know". I was both horrified and proud at the same time. You see, Coldstone is right down the street from my place, but the first time I stepped in was seven days ago-and I've been there everyday since (including today).
I think sometimes if I am subconsciously unhappy, I make an extra effort to abuse my ability to create my own happiness. My inner JOY is solid, but my moods are unpredictable. For some odd reason, eating ice cream lately has made me incredibly happy-if only for 15 mins. And even stranger, I don't care what it is doing to my body, and that freedom makes me even more happy...if not a little insane. But have you ever gone to Cold Stone every single day for a week, usually between 8-11pm? It shows.

I've been having a great time, but a rough time. I don't even know where to start....

First off, I have prayed to God for a miracle in Japan, to comfort and perform miracles as people cry out to Him during these past few days of devastation. But unlike the earthquake in Haiti that gripped my heart, I feel very distant from this incident. Like, emotionally. Isn't that awful? I don't know what to make of it-when I first graduated OSU I thought that's where I was destined to go; places in ruins and people dying and chaos everywhere from natural disasters. I wanted my career to be where the action was, to set up emergency aid tents, dispatch rescue teams, help mothers find their kids, etc. But as I observed new surroundings, lived life and read books, I began to see how saving the world can be done best by focusing on long term development instead of disaster relief. The day the earthquake happened, my friend sent me a text to pray for his friends in Japan. Later that night, I found out that he quit his job so that he could go to Japan-because he felt completely broken and called to go to Japan to help. I got so frustrated without even telling him, because it made no sense in my mind how he could think this way. First off, he wouldn't be able to go to Japan for weeks if not months-the airports are all closed down and only military and emergency medical teams would be the first ones allowed in. And if he does end up there, what will he do? Trained professionals and expert organizations from all over the world will be there, helping victims where they need help in the most effective way. I'm going to stop with this topic here before I begin to write a book. It was just a strange realization I made this week-that I've matured by analyzing the bigger picture rather than letting my emotions take over. That doesn't make me heartless, does it...?

I've also made a few decisions these past couple of weeks with my mind over my heart. Sometimes I get confused, and I'm not sure what the difference IS, between choosing God over my own wants, or if I'm just thinking too much and letting that get into the way of me just doing whatever. Sometimes I feel like I'm just unnecessarily denying myself from things I want just because I'm supposed to, cause I'm christian and all that.

When I was younger I never wanted anyone to know that I was a Christian, because I wasn't a good girl, and I didn't want people to think that Christians were two faced. I've learned throughout the years though, that you can't just be KINDA Christian. Let me tell you, it gets tiring partying til 4am on Saturday and then dragging your hungover self to church in a few hours. And it's kinda awkward, when you go to youth group and then rush to Thirsty Thursdays and run into friends you just saw at bible study, on your way to the bar. Not saying that God loves you any less, but at that stage God is definitely knocking to be let into more parts of your life than Sunday mornings at church. Jesus said that if we are to follow him, we have to lay our lives down and carry His cross. Those are heavy words that I never liked hearing. I was reading Luke 14:25-35 today, and man. It's titled 'The Cost of Being a Disciple'. It pretty much costs more than everything we own (cause that's not important to God-He doesn't need our money)...it costs our dreams, our wants, our hopes and our lives. Everything that we claim is OURS is what we have to give up and acknowledge that it's HIS. But God is God, and He has a plan for us, if we allow Him to conduct it...and it's gonna be better than we could have ever dreamt of. You just have to choose what you want, and if you choose God, life will be so much harder. But better...oh yeah, and sometimes GOD just chooses you.

Maybe you're reading this and freaking out cause it sounds like an insane, wretched way to live. Maybe you think it sounds amazing and exhilarating and exactly what you've been searching for. If you wanna talk to me, you know how to find me :) All I'm saying for now is, I've been having a hard time living the christian life cause it costs so much of myself, but at the same time, I've never had more joy. It's not about what we have to 'give up', but what we want MORE. And I definitely want GOD more.

More than Coldstone. Today is the day I stop. Thank you Jesus, now please give me the energy and motivation to reverse the damage I've done (to my body HAHA)

So Since I Have My Life Before Me...

2011-03-01T05:58:00.004-10:00

"I'll live my life to the fullest. I'll be happy. I'll brighten up. I will be more joyful than I have ever been. I will be kind to others. I will loosen up. I will tell others about Christ. I will go on adventures and change the world. I will be bold and not change who I really am. I will have no troubles but instead help others with their troubles.
You see, I'll be one of those people who live to be history makers at a young age. Oh, I'll have moments, good and bad, but I will wipe away the bad and only remember the good. In fact that's all I remember, just good moments, nothing in between, just living my life to the fullest. I'll be one of those people who go somewhere with a mission, an awesome plan, a world-changing plan, and nothing will hold me back. I'll set an example for others, I will pray for direction.
I have my life before. I will give others the joy I have and God will give me more joy. I will do everything God tells me to do. I will follow the footsteps of God. I will do my best!!"

That passage was not written by me. I wish I could have written something like that, because at age 22 and in the midst of my first 'adult' year, I am nodding my head enthusiastically-I am throwing up fist pumps because I've finally gotten a taste of what it means to go on adventures and live life to the fullest, to pray for direction and to give joy as freely as it was given to me.
Yet the above passage was written by a girl named Brooke Bronkowski at age 12, and her life ended two years later in a car accident. This passage can be found in the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, a book I bought years ago and never read til now. Every Monday night we have Women's group, and everyone takes turns leading discussion on a chapter. This was shared yesterday, and those simple words just resonated within my soul. I hope they stir something up in yours as well.

One of the steps I've taken to live my best life is continuing to LEARN even after college. This is me working on Chinese homework at a coffeeshop. I've learned to compromise with no Wifi. Isn't it crazy though how we never stop being students??

BALANCED.

2011-02-27T21:19:00.005-10:00

Dear God,

I'm so happy today, right now, that I almost feel like I'm doing something wrong. I love everything about my life and everyone in it! I look back so fondly at my past and I'm looking so excitedly towards my future, cause it's all going to keep on changing and fighting to stay balanced is the best part.

I've been consumed with writing my Personal Statement for my application for a two year fellowship with the CDC. It's made me reflect a ton on my accomplishments and future aspirations, so challenging and refreshing at the same time. I can't believe I never received any awards or honors in college even though I was on the front page of the campus newspaper for my school involvement HAHA. But I plan to finish it today, and send it off with a prayer tomorrow and not worry about it ever again!! It's what I would really like, but who knows what God has in store. It's so freeing, I think, to have hopes and give life my best try but knowing that failure is not a reality-just alternatives that always end up better than my Plan A.

Last night I went out to bid a good friend farewell cause she was leaving back to Germany. $6 at the door for an all you can drink...juice. JK they are supposed to be alcoholic drinks, but I think they are liars cause I had about six and still felt nothing. While I was out I thought of my girlfriend JULIE who was probably out a little past the same time celebrating her birthday back at home with all our posse. I miss my posse, but it's all good cause she saved me an honorary VIP pass lol. This week was full of birthday parties and dinners and encouragement even a hospital visit. I feel double the love from here in Taipei to back in Portland.

My mood seriously does a 180 when the sun comes out. I've been meeting so many cool people every day and it's so awesome when they come to church with us or come to Coffeehouse or join a bible study or just hang out during the week. There is so much to do in Taipei, and I can finally breathe in all of it now.

MODERATION is the key, and right now I'M at SUCH A GOOD BALANCE.

Sun, please stay. <3

Adventures within my adventure!

2011-02-08T18:09:00.003-10:00

Over my CNY holiday, I finally got to see more of Taiwan. It wasn't just what I wanted...it was also what I needed! Taipei is up in the northern part of Taiwan. Kaohsiung is all the way down south. The weather/climate difference was like Seattle vs. San Diego. I had forgotten how badly I have S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) because back in Portland, I would hit the tanning booths whenever I felt down! But in Asian, paying to get DARKER is blasphemy...

In case you aren't my friend on Facebook, here is a link to the pictures I took. I got most of everything, but my camera died during dinner on Saturday night just before we got on to the Love Ferry at Love River HAHAHA. The next day we (or at least speaking for myself) looked like trash anyway cause we were running out of clothes and sleep. Enjoy! I took some videos randomly that I threw together yesterday HERE:

I also spent the actual Chinese New Years EVE up in Keelung with Shanna's family!! Shanna is one of my favorite people I've met since moving to Taipei. We started off as language exchange partners and ended up as good friends (since my Chinese still sucks!) Her cousin Kiwa started coming to Coffeehouse one day and I love her too!! Their family was SO sweet and generous. Her dad taught me how to play MAH JONG haha.

Overall, I had a very TAIWANESE break, and I'm ready to start the new year off FRESH. <3

Getting over myself, etc.

2011-01-28T22:28:00.003-10:00

While I was on the MRT yesterday on the way to my last class...a bunch of high schoolers got on. They were Taiwanese but probably attended an international school because their English was fluent. I wasn't really paying attention to them but one of the guys came over to me and he leaned forward and said (enunciating every word): "I like your tattoo!" I smirked cause...well, whatever. I thanked him briefly (in PERFECT ENGLISH-to his and his friend's delight) and sank back into my blank state. Then he came up again, and asked me where I was from, and if my frames had lenses, and what I do here, etc etc. I was too consumed in my sadness to realize til I got off at my stop that I should have welcomed the randomness and invited him and his friends to the Loft for Coffeehouse or something. I'm still upset about missing it. The last thing he said to me was, "You should smile more. Even if you're just sitting down. Cause you're pretty, but I think your face frowns naturally." It was sweet and really sad at the same time. But it was a real wake up call for me. MY FACE SO DOES NOT FROWN NATURALLY!!!!

I need to remember why I'm here, cause it's way too easy to get distracted. I kinda wish that I was living somewhere like in rural India where my struggles might be physical, like trying to escape deadly mosquitos, not having running water, battling against diseases or having no internet. Then maybe my spare time wouldn't be consumed with the ruins of my last relationship. It's silly really, what gets to people the most. I've successfully given off the impression of being a relationship-dependent/boy-crazed/emotionally dramatic girl. It's pretty ironic because that is exactly the opposite of who I am, but I don't feel like I need to PROVE myself to people that matter. I'll be who I am and everyone can think what they want-I simply don't have the mental strength to deal with much more.

I'm drained, I'm exhausted, I'm in pain. But this too, shall pass. "When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14

I'm trying to handle myself as gracefully as I can, but it's also taking longer than I thought. But I will get there. The last few weeks have definitely been a testimony to myself how INTROVERTED I've become...living in a foreign country with so many language barriers left me with lots of trapped thoughts and isolated processing. I have amazing friends and supportive roommates/team that I see everyday...but I'm on my own timeline. Yes, I pray for comfort and I pray for wisdom. But God has placed this word in my heart: Don't worry about it. (in Chinese). It's such a simple solution, and now I'm wondering if it really is, and I just insisting on making it complicated....

I miss playing the piano. I'm at a coffeeshop by myself and Cannon in D just came on. It's my favorite song to play-any versions or variations, they are all beautiful....

WEEKENDDDD

2011-01-16T06:18:00.006-10:00

This weekend was pretty eventful. Friday I grabbed lunch with friends, worked, tutored, had dinner with Shanna then came home to clean and hang out for weekly Coffeehouse at our place. One of our friends was leaving back to the States so it was sad...but it was also cool cause I met some really cool girls that like beer and an Asian guy who was from Germany. My Saturday didn't start til 2pm, so I did laundry and got artsy fartsy at the Red Room Stage time thang. I read out a letter I wrote to someone as my performance and was quite pleased with it. It was SO COLD we got hot pot afterwards at then place open til 3am by Zhongxiao Fuxing even though I mostly only ate corn and ice cream. They had some sort of Swiss ice cream that was absolutely fantastic and thus we stayed til closing time eating it. Sunday I dragged myself out of bed to go to church and met a new friend on the elevator. During service all the women that wanted to have kids got called up to be prayed for by the mothers in the congregation...and something hit me. It didn't matter if we were married or not yet- you don't have to be married to WANT to have children. So me and a couple other women got prayed for. After church, Vic and I met up with our friend in Beitou to soak in the hot springs with a bunch of senior citizens. At least it was a public one where we didn't have to get completely naked! Came home to a house full of roommate's friends-met some then I showered, and watched the 2011 Miss America pageant (Nebraska won). More ppl came over later for our weekly prayer night and we prayed for things we wanted MORE of in 2011. I wanted to pray BOLDER prayers-cause I rarely ever ask God for tangible, visible things. I can write a separate post on that alone. And we prayed for our building again. Then I grabbed some hot packs, socks, sweats etc and climbed back up my bunk to mess around with my Tumblr (still under construction!) cause I feel like I simply don't have enough outlets for my...stuff.

Friday night-Excuse the Christmas tree.

I want a fat baby.

We were FREEZING before getting into the hot springs!

R.I.P. Kalong's Little Black Journal

2011-01-10T07:43:00.006-10:00

OH my headdddd. My mind is bizarre and sometimes I wish it wasn't. I just finished a 42g bar of dark chocolate, and I don't wanna sleep til I am satisfied with the pouring out of my mind. On June 16th 2009 I started writing in a journal, and my first entry went something like this: "There's this problem I have-I seek too much approval from others when it comes to religion. I feel like I can never please everyone. But God is the only one that matters, He's the most important one to please...so for the next few weeks, I'm leaving everything aside and I'm going to focus on just that." And then four days later I found myself in Hawaii for the summer with Campus Crusade, getting sent out on to the beaches in order so that we would (to my horror) share the Gospel. Not only did I survive those 'few weeks'...they somehow turned into my whole life. And my journal went through the whole journey with me. SO now that I've laid it down to rest, I hope that someday if anything happens to me, maybe someone will find it and publish it. Then I could be like Anne Frank...lol jk. But since I have no physical journal ATM, here it all goes on my blog (aren't you lucky).

To Whom it May Concern,

These past few weeks have been really hard on me. I never realized how amazingly strong I can be without being fake. The past few weeks have been full of breakthroughs as well. I have friends and a life here! Thus, I have a lot to thank God for, and some things to pray for.

1) I've been trying to build up the guts to share this with my team, but the opportunity hasn't came up. No one knows something's killin you unless you show them. So here it is: if I could ask God for one thing right now, I would ask Him to heal Grant's left arm. Grant is this guy I happen to love, and he lives in Oregon. A few weeks ago he went under for his 3rd rotator cuff surgery, bracing for a three month recovery period at most. Unfortunately, a nerve was damaged and he hasn't been able to move his left arm since. The doctors say it can take anywhere between four months to a year and a half for him to have use of his arm again. For a young college guy, this is pretty unexpected and devastating news. I've never broken a bone or had surgery before, so as hard as I try I can't relate. I know he's taking it really hard, and since I'm 9000 miles away there is literally nothing I can do but pray and ask everyone I know to do the same-because I know that it works. Our story is complicated, but all I really know is that I would rather have a sling on my arm than know how much pain he's in, alone. Please pray a bold prayer-God can do anything. I also pray for his comfort, strength and understanding...physically, emotionally, mental and spiritually. Every painful hardship is a powerful life lesson in disguise.

2) Yesterday, three girls I adore from my home church's youth group in Portland got baptized. As a Christian, there is no greater joy than witnessing loved ones start a new life, in faith that it will become something way greater than ourselves. I am so blessed to have been able to be a mentor and a role model in their lives, and the best is yet to come for all of us <3

3) The world is not a happy place. Thousands of kids are dying from hunger and preventable diseases every day, human slave trafficking is the third largest trade in the world, there is SO MUCH injustice done to so many people every day and I've grown numb to it. How do you get burned out when you haven't even DONE anything yet?! I heard some statistics today, and I felt it grip my heart. 'It's not a cause, it's an emergency." I thought I was going to help save the world, but right now I'm in Taipei City and I haven't even found a place to volunteer on a regular basis yet. Lately I've been feeling like a public health graduate #failure. I read this book called "When Helping Hurts" and gave my whole perspective on helping the needy a different spin. It's not like I don't want to help; I'm getting pent up with frustration because I'm not. I just want to do it the right way, and in a foreign country, I don't know which way is the right way anymore. I just want to buy hot packs and blankets for any and all homeless people on the streets because it's all I can find, but hot packs will cool off leaving them colder than they were before, and blankets don't help them help themselves. I still cannot communicate in Mandarin. It's really cold and wet here in Taiwan, God please tell me what to do.

4) I love my job. I have the sweetest, brightest students and the coolest boss and staff. I never knew I could handle kids, much less be adored by them. Okay, I'm sounding cocky but you just have to see, I'll make another video soon. They make my heart melt, and I realize that once I was a kid too who thought my teachers were super pretty and kind. I also thought they lived at school, but whatever. I thank God so much for putting me in a school that is just right for me.

Okay, I think I'm satisfied for now. I totally binge blog. I really ought to be more consistent so that my posts don't end up SO LOOONG. Thank you for reading, and if you would like, please join in on my prayers. God hears everyone. Good night <3

Gessika and I at some TEA shop at Shilin on Thursday night. I ordered a chocolate shake and it was massive.

2011-01-01T03:22:00.024-10:00

On this blog last year, I posted my New Years Resolutions for 2010. Sadly, one of them was to shower at LEAST every other day ex. M W F Sun. Even sadder, I never kept that resolution. This year, I give up. I think goals are important but I can't keep resolutions. Resolutions are (as defined by my Macbook): A firm decision to do or not to do something. I've always been a pretty indecisive person and would prefer to not make decisions at all...

Which is why I don't make a very good grown-up. To me, what differentiates an adult from a child is that they have to make major decisions that largely affect their lives and the world every day. Maybe not everyday, but you never actually know. When I was in elementary school I think the biggest decision I made everyday was whether to pick up pizza, a corn dog, a hamburger or a hot dog for lunch in the cafeteria line. In middle school I picked out which instruments I wanted to play in band, and my school supplies. High school I picked out clothes, cell phones, jobs and friends. In college I picked out my classes, my passions and interests, my world views and my religion. This past year, I picked out my internship, my first career, and a new country and missions team to call home. Honestly though, I didn't make the last few decisions without God.

Some people think that Christians are weak people because they depend on a higher being to guide their lives- like we are incapable of doing it ourselves. I agree that from the outside looking in, it could look like that. But for me it's completely different. I first gave my life to Christ sometime during my senior year of high school because I realized that when I made my own decisions and did everything my way, I seriously sucked at life. I can't speak for everyone, but I probably do lack the ability to lead my own life. I'm not exaggerating, feel free to ask me more about my story if you wish. I think it takes an incredible amount of courage to acknowledge that someone else may know what is best for us, and to believe that person loves us enough to make our lives truly worth living if we trust them with the steering wheel. Ex. Friends and sometimes strangers tell me all the time "Oh you are so brave and so cool and blah blah blah for moving out to a different country right out of college to work where you don't know the language blah blah blah" and I appreciate it, but seriously, if my life were still up to me, I would have much rather stayed in Portland where they have free wifi in cozy cafes everywhere. The Christians I know are some of the strongest, bravest people I know because they walk by faith. And I think it's one of the most beautiful ways to live a life. If not possibly, the only way...?

This upcoming year will be full of big decisions for me, and I'm going to be praying a whole lot in order to make it through. I don't know what I'll be doing or where I'll be! I'm finally learning the language and making friends here, and I'm scared that everyone back at home will forget about me and when/if I go back to the States I'll feel out of place and outdated and miss Taiwan. But I don't know if I'm going to stay in Taiwan either...I would have already lived here. And if I move to a different country then I'll just feel like home is relative. But if I keep on moving around maybe I'll be missing out on love/marriage...family. Which IS important to me. Dear God, what will I be when I grow up someday?

But I know that I'll make it through, cause the Big Guy said so.

"If the Lord delights in a man's way, He makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand." Psalms 37:23

So whatever happens this year, no matter what decisions I make and steps I take, 2011 will be a good year. 2010 sure was! Thank you everyone who has been and is a part of this journey, I am truly blessed and I pray the same for you. THE BEST IS YET TO BE!

Snapshots of 2010:

EPIC Leadership Retreat-First weekend of 2010!! Love you guys, I'm so proud of everyone!

Escaped for a weekend back to Hawaii, just had to watch the sunrise at Lanikai again.

EPIC Women's group!

After the Haiti earthquake, we sold "I LOVE HAITI" wristbands on campus and raised over $600 for World Vision.

Quick trip to Seattle during Spring Break! Miss you girls!

So I haven't had to marry a doctor so far...

Oh, Clod's.

Rainy days when I didn't feel like walking to classssss.

The morning of my 22nd bday...AM hike!

I have the best friends.

EPIC!

DPO Dance..which one was it?! Didn't matter, I loved my sisters!

EPIC mens and women's groups, trying to play COD, I miss my college apartment!

One of the last Thirsty Thursdays!! Oh college.

APA Awards Ceremony <3

Thank you for everything.

Picnic at Blue Lake with my favorite people!!

Back to Portland...SUMMERTIME!!! <3 beerfests

LIFE CONFERENCE 2010 in Kentucky with my kiddos!

Interning at American Red Cross-raising funds to vaccine kids from measles at Couture! <3 Thank you!

Best part of summer was falling in love!

Said all my goodbyes in a week!

I move to Taipei, Taiwan to start the beginning...

Finding a job-one of the hardest things I've ever done!

New friends, new life!

First Christmas away from home!

Celebrating NYE 2010, cheers to one of the best years of my life.

PS. Goal for 2011: Try not to look exactly the same in every photo.

Rolling along...

2010-12-14T03:27:00.005-10:00

Sometimes writers don't like to write, but they like to have written.

I've been writing on everything I can get a hold of, take out menus, receipts, notepads, booklets, even the 'Notes' thingy on my Blackberry. I read a book to my class today called "The Missing Piece" by Shel Silverstein, and then I discovered there was a sequel called 'The Missing Piece Meets the Big O'. Maybe I'm low on sleep, but I don't think I've ever read anything so simple yet profound about life and relationships.

Relationships are one of the many things that I have been constantly contemplating on lately. Even though I live in the heart of a huge, vibrant, crowded city, I am alone everyday. Well, only kind of.

I am in a relationship with a boy back at home. I wish I could process this logically, but I can't. My life is moving forward and I'm embracing everything that comes along with it, but at the same time I'm held back by memories. My laptop is still set in Portland time, and I've been living in Taipei for almost four months now.

In the first book "The MIssing Piece", there is a circle that is missing a wedge so it rolls along life looking for it. When it was alone, it talked to little worms, sang songs and butterflies landed on it. It tried to fit many pieces, but none of them were right. Some were too big, some did not want to be a part of it, some held on too tight and broke. Then one day it finally found a piece that fit. And the circle could finally roll fast and it was so happy! But then it rolled too fast to talk to worms or for butterflies to land on. And it could no longer sing because there were no openings for the mouth part since it was SO COMPLETE. So the circle slowed down, and let go of the piece and continued life missing a chunk, but happy.

The second book was told through the story of the missing piece. It's a triangle wedge. It didn't think it could move unless someone picked it up to take it somewhere. Lots of shapes came by, some fit but could not roll (move). Some rolled, but did not fit. Some shapes had too many missing pieces to fill. Then one day the missing piece met a WHOLE circle. But the circle was different, it did not need the missing piece because it wasn't missing anything. The missing piece wanted to roll with the circle, but there was no where for the wedge to fit.

"You cannot roll with me, but perhaps you can roll by yourself."

"By myself...? A missing piece cannot roll by itself!"

"Have you ever tried?"

"But I have sharp corners, I am not shaped for rolling."

"Corners wear off and shapes change."

The circle left, and the wedge was left alone again. Then, slowly it learned to roll. It doesn't matter how slow you're going, as long as you are moving. And as it started rolling it's shape changed and it kept on rolling, not caring where, just thrilled that it could now roll on it's own. You can read the whole story as a short YouTube.

My mind has been boggled. I was once a girl who didn't think I could be happy without someone that fit, nor did I believe I could do anything cool on my own. But now I am a solid, rolling circle and I don't have any gaps to fill. That's where it gets difficult in terms of my relationship. My boyfriend WANTS to fill a gap that isn't there, he wants to be able to pick me up and take me places; but I already know I can do it on my own. Heck, I already moved over to the other side of the world. I just want someone who can roll along side me, but he can't yet. He's the shape that fits me, but we can't go anywhere together. Yet. Maybe he will, but he has to learn how to roll on his own first...

A friend asked me to write a blog on how to fall in love, because he thinks I'm good at it and he can't seem to get it right. I think he failed to realize that I write a lot more about my love relationship with God, and not so much about boys. Because when I focus on my relationship with God it sheds light on everything else. Sometimes. Other times I'm human and I'm just as confused as everyone else. I think love does that.

I'm starting to ponder. You know how you should always learn how to love YOURSELF before you can fully love others? Sometimes I wonder if I overdid the loving MYSELF part. What if I'm so complete that I can't even FIT another person in?! What would that make me? A selfish robot who loves everybody and everything except for a man after her own heart? It's actually painful for me to realize that I may have double standards for love and I don't get it. Usually when girls don't allow boys into their hearts is because they feel unworthy of it. Well, I have a darn good father, one in heaven as well as on earth, so I don't exactly have that problem. I don't put my worth in men, but I should probably care a little more right?

I remember before I let myself love this guy, I was super adamant about it being a conscious decision and not based off feelings. Because feelings change, and love is the most fragile feeling of them all. IF you let love be a feeling. If love is a decision, then it becomes the strongest force. AND sometimes love is so strong that you do whatever is best for the person, and just pray that they will grow and be a blessing in the world, with you or not. Sometimes you just gotta say, sorry, I have to get going, but I hope to see you someday later when we can both roll together...

I'm just sayin. Sigh.

The handles are on the inside.

2010-11-29T06:10:00.005-10:00

When was the last time you sorted out all the people and relationships involved in your life according to how close they were to you? I just did mine earlier tonight for the first time in years, and I can't stop thinking about it. Here, you can do it too.

Draw four circles inside of each other.

The small, most innermost circle is for your most intimate relationships, the people that know your HEART. Since I am a pretty EXTROVERTED person, I think my circle may be expected to be a little wider than most. If you read my blog often enough, you may already know a lot about my deep thoughts and character. But there is always more to all of us, and I feel blessed to say that I can confidently name a handful of people that KNOW me. Sometimes there is only one person in this circle, but that's all you need.

The second circle is for people that I have things in common with, my friends and/or family. These people may know your habits, your tendencies, may share your beliefs and share your food. They are people I enjoy spending time with and they know me pretty well, but they don't know me as well as the people in my core circle.

The third circle is for people I talk to on a regular basis. Classmates, coworkers, workout buddies (I really want a work out buddy in Taiwan BTW).

The fourth circle is for acquaintances. Everyone else in our lives; like our bus driver, baristas, maybe friends on Facebook that we've only met once, friend's friends.

Now think about how the people in the middle, moved from the outside to the inside. I can assure you that my closest friends did NOT become my closest friends overnight. These things take TIME and they are a result of DECISIONS we make to bring people closer into our lives. It takes INVESTMENT and little steps of faith and vulnerability with each other to fully know each other more.

Can you think of people in your layers of circles that you wish were closer towards the middle?

For the longest time, God was in my outermost circle of relationships. I would go to church once a week on Sunday, and maybe recite a short prayer before dinner with the family, the end. Then, during my first year at Oregon State I started hanging out with a Christian group called EPIC. So I would talk to God more, and think about Him more through worship songs and listening to people's testimonies and dropping by bible studies. I wouldn't exactly have called Him my FRIEND...but maybe someone I was interested in getting to know more. Fast forward a couple years and here I am in Taipei as a missionary/English teacher, where I climb down the ladder of my loft bed every morning sleepily asking God why I'm here, or thanking Him for the sunshine, or telling Him that I miss not having to climb down a ladder every morning. Throughout the day I just go through life, but like a roommate (IN MY HEART lol) you know they are there even when you aren't constantly engaged in meaningful conversation.

The point is, it didn't happen overnight and it didn't happen on it's own. God doesn't force Himself into our lives. In Revelations 3:20, Jesus says, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." In those times, eating together is a way to create bonds as friends. I think it still holds true today. God OFFERS a relationship with us, but it's up to us to let Him in. And it doesn't stop there, that is only the beginning.

They say that the people that are closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most. It's true, even if they don't mean to or don't even know that they are. But God is a perfect God that loves us more than anyone else can love us, and HE WILL NEVER HURT US. God is THEE exception. He has never hurt me. When stuff happens and I'm a complete wreck, I know that God is closer than ever. When you know that you will never be abandoned, it frees you from fear. And when you are no longer afraid, is when you begin to live ;)

So think about your circles, and remember, the door handles are on the inside.

I miss my mommy and daddyyyyy

2010-11-26T06:36:00.007-10:00

On Tuesday during our volunteer Language Corner at a Taiwanese university, we worked with students to create a movie on what they were thankful for this year (in ENGLISH!). Pretty much everyone in my group said they were thankful for their parents...BOOOOORING. For my group's movie, they wrote and sang a song about how they are so thankful for their parents. It got me thinking about why I found it so lame...the last time I ever did anything like that was back when I was about five. Shame on me. If anyone should be thankful for their parents, it should be me. So mother and father, this one goes out to you.

Dad-Thank you for being the first man to love me unconditionally. Thank you for making it so obvious how much you adored me. Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for always telling me how proud of me you are, even when all I did was win ribbons at piano recitals. Thanks for raising me into the confident and strong-willed woman I am today. Thank you for giving me your adventurous spirit, your hopeful dreams, and your strong, solid faith. Thank you for always standing up for me, even when I was wrong. Thank you for dedicating your life to my achievements and my happiness. Thank you for trusting God enough to let me step out into the world on my own, and thank you for always being two steps behind to catch me if I fall. Thank you for tolerating my phases, my attitudes, my ungratefulness, my stubbornness and my carelessness. Thank you for my Macbook Pro, thank you for paying my rent throughout college, thank you for my car (HA), thank you for giving me so much that I don't deserve. Thank you for being the best godly Father image that God created you to be for me. Because of the way you raised me, I can begin to understand exactly how much God loves me. Words cannot express how grateful and eternally blessed I am to have you as the biggest influence in my life. Thank you for tolerating my ex-boyfriends, and always taking me out to eat after a break up. Thank you for always paying. Thank you for trying to teach me how to cook. Thank you setting my standards in terms of how men should treat me-you have saved me a ton of time. Thank you for trusting me after warning me-like how we had that loooong talk when I turned 18 about not jotting down my signature on ANYTHING until I've read the whole thing first. I still do that. Thank you for aging gracefully, even though you destroyed our backyard to create a vegetable garden. Thank you for loving my mom. Thank you for loving my pets even though you pretended (and still do pretend) to hate them. Thank you being a dad I am proud of! Okay, that was enough to cover Christmas, Father's Day and your birthday cards for the next five years....

Mom- Thank you for having the biggest heart I know. Thank you for showing me how to put others above yourself, and how much fuller our lives become because of it. Thank you for being strong even when you didn't want to be. Thank for you teaching me how to be highly efficient and how to get things done. Thank you for always calling me out on things and challenging me to become a better person. Thanks for toughening me up, so that I can stand up alone in the world for what I believe in. Thank you for showing me what compassion is. Thank you for being my role model on what it means to love God above all else. Thank you for starting to cook more, even though I was in college already ha. Thank you for giving me your passion, your humbleness and your generous spirit. Thank you for giving me your small nose. Thank you for always finding the humor in serious situations. Thanks for showing me how to be loved by many, many friends. Thank for you showing me how to make and keep good friends, thank you for showing me how to connect with other human beings. Thank you for telling me how to not make ugly faces if I cry. Thank you for all the dreams you had for me, and all the advice you gave with the best of intentions. Yes, thank you for raising me up with the best of intentions. Thank you for your willingness to always share clothes with me, eagerly accepted or not. Thank you for loving me even though I hurt you so many times, thank you for continuously forgiving me in your heart. Thank you for always praying for me no matter how far I ran away from you. Thank you for everything you have sacrificed for me to be successful. I need you to know that I think you are wonderful and that I love you! I hope that I someday I an be at least half of the woman you are.

You two have grown into respectable, wise and extremely loved parents. I am truly blessed and proud to be your daughter, thank you.

My parents came to visit me in Taiwan, here they are in my living room!

In Taipei, on the MRT together.

Aren't they cute?

Dad didn't like discovering that they were sitting in the old people/disabled people seating on the MRT.

On dreams.

2010-11-17T04:06:00.005-10:00

I've been REALLY sick for the past 1 1/2 weeks, but I still had to go to school. I wish I could have just skipped class and 1) gotten notes from a friend later, OR 2) printed out slides and studied them myself, OR 3) just read the textbook, but things are different now when I'm supposed to be teaching, and substitute teaching nevertheless! GAH IT'S BEEN AWFUL!!! I feel exactly like those sneezing kindergarten teachers in those Tylenol commercials-kids are running around screaming and my head feels like it's going to explode. But I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything. I absolutely adore being around cute little minions that think you're the best thing in the whole entire world-it's weird I know. If I wasn't already super egocentric...

Anyways, I've been thinking a lot about dreams lately. Okay, there was a sermon about it at church on Sunday and I've been thinking about it a lot since then. I dream ALOT. I dream super vivid, random, crazy dreams all the time. Sometimes I'm in the dream doing something and controlling what I do, and sometimes I'm watching myself, and sometimes I'm just a part of a weird scenario. Sometimes people I love a lot are in my dreams, and sometimes random strangers. Usually I just wake up and if it was amusing enough I'd tell someone and then I'll forget about it.

But I think the pastor on Sunday was talking about a different kind of dream. I think he meant goals and aspirations for our lives. I remember the first time I seriously dreamt like that. It was at Epic Conference, a leadership seminar, on January 16th 2010 (it's written in my journal). Up to that point in my life, my future was sketched out according to what was logical. I was starting to squirm under the pressure of being a senior in college and still unable to answer the dreaded "What are you doing after graduation?" question. But for 30 minutes, me and a room full of scared college students were demanded to close our eyes and let go of all logistics and financial barriers or fears, and dream. What would make us happiest? How would we live our lives if we had the freedom to do anything we wanted? What kind of life would I lead in order to be fully content when I look back at my life 60 years from now? We were told to jot down the FIRST thing that popped into our heads and this is what I had:

BIG DREAMS-dig H20 wells in Africa.

Pretty generic, huh? I was a little dismayed at the lack of creativity that God gave me, but at least I didn't write 'become a millionaire' or 'lose ten pounds'.

Sigh. It's still a dream of mine, and I will dig wells in Africa someday. It wasn't as soon as I was hoping, but it will happen someday. And no, I don't think that 'someday' means never. I really mean SOMEDAY when I say SOMEDAY. Same with going to Haiti. I will someday, but right now God has placed me in Taiwan instead. So I will dream big dreams for this country while I am here, because more people need to dream.

Do you dream big dreams for your life? It's so easy not to. People become too busy to dream, too consumed with their every day lives that they forget the big picture. I have a tendency towards this. Don't let work rob you of your dreams. Or maybe you're afraid to dream, because in order to accomplish them, there will have to be too many changes in your life. Don't let fear steal your dreams. They are rightfully yours. I have met so many cool people here from all over the world, heading off to all over the world. It's a big world.

You know, God dreams too. And I believe that He gives us dreams. If we ask for them boldly, the dreams God gives are all parts of HIS big amazing dreams for this world. I need to pray harder to dream BIGGER!

One of the best parts of me being here, far away from my family, friends, everything I've ever known is that I'm finally living out one of the dreams for my life. But even better, when people see us living out our dreams, they will start to believe that they can do it too! I want you guys to know, that you can do it too. See, I'm still alive. You can. :)

Dearest friends and other people I love and other people reading this, if you want your life to move forward, START DREAMING AGAIN.

Okay, maybe I am a little afraid. But...

2010-10-26T17:39:00.002-10:00

"I'm at this point in my life
where I'm just daring someone
to push me off a cliff
just to see if I'm strong enough
to fly."

So I moved to Taiwan before securing a job, with full confidence that it would be easy. No one had warned me, I never knew flying would be so hard.

But this is what I had wanted, right? This is a critical time for me to essentially prove to the world what I am made of. God dared me to come, so I came, and I've been terrified since to find out whether or not I AM strong enough to fly. I woke up this morning and seriously considered moving back to the States once my VISA expires (because it is about to, I had not anticipated it taking this long to obtain an ARC) and I knew that God would still love me the same, because I honestly did try and gave everything I could.

I started working at a fast food restaurant (if you know which one, friend kudos to you haha) when I was fourteen, worked up to three jobs at the same time in high school, and was never NOT working throughout college until my last two terms which I dedicated to well, college. Once a friend and I were trying to out list each other with our former jobs, and we both topped twenty before we lost track. I've done everything from serving orange chicken and selling ipods to giving campus tours and making viral marketing videos. Filling out applications, writing cover letters, submitting resumes and going through interviews never fazed me, until now.

I'm done with school, and I've realized since that finding a place in the real world is no joke. My daddy always told me that money doesn't come easy, but it did for me, at least the for past eight years of my life. I've lived in Taiwan for the past month only using the money I had brought with me, and I cannot continue with the few part time hours I have now. I counted, and I don't have enough for next month's rent. It's not like I haven't been applying to every job opening I see and going diligently day after day to interviews and demos. It's been really hard for me to find a full time English teaching job because I am asian. But that's another story.

I've been reading Ecclesiastes, a book written by King Solomon, the wisest and richest man that ever lived. Today I was reminded that there is a season for everything, a season to be happy, a season to mourn, a season to search and a season to give up. Dear friends, my season to give up has not come yet. I'll come home if God keeps the doors shut here, but whenever God shuts all the doors, He opens up a window. So maybe I will stay.

Am I discouraged and worried? Yes. But I'm strong and I still have faith. I've learned a tremendous amount about the world for the short period of time I've been here already, and I will continue to grow no matter what happens ahead of me. God's favorite time to do work is when we're pushed to our limits and start praying for a miracle. Well, I'm there praying now.

I love you guys, I pray that everyone is doing well and not taking anything for granted, not love, not money, not their jobs or the ability to read labels at the grocery stores. Please pray for me as well!

Cake.

2010-10-18T06:14:00.007-10:00

"It's just like cake. People can tell you how good it tastes, you can see how amazing it looks, but you won't know how sweet it actually is until you taste it for yourself."

Eating, praying and loving.

2010-10-14T06:49:00.004-10:00

Who's read the book Eat Pray Love? ...Or seen the movie? It's a based-on-a-true-story novel about a woman who leaves her comfort zone and goes out for a year to discover the world while discovering herself for the first time. I used to think, "wow, I hope someday I'll be able to be brave like her!" but lately I've been thinking, "so, this is what it's like."

"Like, they (unique girls) are deeper than that, and I dont just mean that they can have deep conversations, but that they want to be known, and that takes a while, and that they will have boring, unsure days as well as the crazy conquer the world ones."
-S. Davis

Today I had a crazy-conquer-the-world day. Amongst running all over the city (getting lost 50% of the time) I taught three different classes of new students, different ages and levels, at two different schools.
The first class were kindergartners and as cute as could be. I don't remember the kids back at home running up to their teachers to hold their hand and hug their legs and follow around adoringly five minutes after meeting them. My assignment was to teach earthquake drills. Good thing I was a Disaster Preparedness speaker for the Red Cross ;)
The second class? It was a joy with two pretty six year old girls that were giggling HYSTERICALLY the entire time, I still have no idea why but apparently I said something really funny. They loved learning English and I couldn't get them to stop showing off!
My last class was the best. They weren't necessarily as advanced in English, but during class they held a brief discussion in Chinese (even though I prohibited Chinese speaking!!) and told me that they were all going to be my friends since I don't have many here yet. I think I almost cried inside, it was the best feeling in the world. Thank you God for making my heart smile today.

I had lunch at Taipei 101 with one of my awesome language exchange partners, and the rest of the time I grabbed these rice/sushi things (Pictured below) from 7 Eleven and coffee. It's a really common thing to do cause you can just throw them in your purse and they are super cheap! Nutritional value? I have not a clue. This exchange partner is my age, and majors in Public Health as well! We discussed healthcare systems and she is going to help me find non-profit organizations that I can connect my ministry here with! Speaking of which...

I've been thinking about how I would use my passions and gifts to contribute into this ministry of creating a church. In a nutshell, the Bible commands again and again to help the poor and needy. Around whom did Jesus spend most of his time? With the outliers and marginalized people of society. (On a side note, I am completely certain that if he were alive today, Jesus would be marching in gay parades, taking hookers out for coffee and hanging out with drug dealers. Not a doubt in my mind.) I am certain now that God has placed me on this team to make sure this happens within our church. No wonder I got a degree in Public Health, sneaky God. There is much to do, and I am just beginning to get started. YAY!

I didn't get home til 9:30pm from work (got lost and then distracted by shoe stores) and then headed straight to the gym. Yoga was the latest class offered and I made it! Advice: Try to avoid taking yoga classes when you can't understand your instructor. It's really hard to figure out where to shift your weight, and when to relax and how to breathe without breaking focus to see what everyone else is doing! Zumba was a lot easier. As I was laying on those two block thingys on my mat, I realized that yoga is pretty much all about putting yourself in extremely uncomfortable positions, and then making yourself relax at the same time. As with life, cause that's how you grow. And there's ALWAYS room to grow.

SO COOL! <---A favorite and commonly spoken English phase here.

More.

2010-10-05T17:07:00.003-10:00

At church last Sunday, the pastor dude said something that caught my attention. He was reading out of a passage (I wish I had written down which one) about God promising to bless us with our FULL reward. Does that imply that some of us only receive partial rewards? What does that even MEAN?!

It means that God wants to bless our lives with crazy abundance, if we ask. That can be interpreted as a life full of rich friendships, meaningful accomplishments, amazing adventures, true love, etc. The things that really matter. Just because He loves us. BUT we have to ask Him for it, which means we have to trust Him more. Who sincerely asks for something unless they truly believe they will receive it? That's how much God wants us to trust Him, and when we do, the floodgates shall open. But most people are afraid to ask, so they only get a portion of what they COULD have.

Applying this to the Christian life, I think of an iPhone. Partially because my roommate just got one and it baffles me that I rarely see her play with it. She even has the data plan!!! But anyways. I see the potential that iPhone has. iPhones have the capacity to do pretty much ANYTHING-do I really have to give examples?! My favorite is the virtual coin flip. Anyways, can you imagine having a fully loaded iPhone 4 and doing nothing with it except to make and receive phone calls? THIS is how I interpret what God means when He wants to bless our lives with overflowing amazingness...but we insist on sticking to what we are comfortable and familiar with. It almost doesn't make sense. Once you've taken the first step, it's impossible to imagine life as it was before. God did not dream up boring lives for any of us.

AND He can work with us no matter what our lives look like right now. It's what He specializes in...

And right now, my life is pretty much on HOLD. I'm here in Taiwan, but I'm still job seeking and trying to figure out where I fit into the ministry here. Being the newest team member, I've been playing the humble observer and quietly absorbing EVERYTHING, as well as the culture around me.

LKAFLAHFHSFaldlakdg;lfkgka;dl I just tried uploading photos and they are being difficult, so I'll post them later :)

It's true. I'm in love.

2010-09-30T05:25:00.006-10:00

One of my roommates mentioned that he had a blog today, but told me that only a few people could read it. When I asked him why, he said it was too personal. And it got me thinking, isn't my blog super personal too? But I guess the difference is that I really don't care. Besides, people love juicy details-humans have a strange desire to live vicariously through others. ;)
So today I'll address a much speculated detail of my PERSONAL life.
As some know by now, I moved to Taiwan. Some also know that I started dating someone over the summer. But only a handful know that I'm insanely, deeply and passionately in love with him. C'mon, every cool movie-like life story always has a good love story hidden in it somewhere, right? Well, this is mine.
There is so much I can say about our relationship, but I won't make anyone vomit. If you really want, just follow both of us on Twitter ;) The truth is, I'm a lot older and have matured a lot since high school. Even in the last year, I learned a tremendous amount about myself and the world around me. There is a season for everything-a season to wait, a season to learn, and eventually we get blessed with the season to love. And when I graduated, the sky was my limit and my heart was ready.
It's true what they say, that when you're NOT looking, is when you're going to meet someone. I heard that ALL of my senior year, and spent notable Friday evenings doing dishes, dreading the prospect of being a single cat lady forever. I'm not kidding, I really contemplated whether or not God made anyone I would LIKE. THANK YOU GOD FOR PROVING ME WRONG AGAIN.
Because then I met this boy. He's a man to me, but 'boy' sounds more romantic, doesn't it? The first time we held hands was walking through the parking lot to church together. The first time we kissed was in the middle of a dewy summer night in his field of a front lawn, under the stars. And then all of a sudden I found myself with a stupid smile on my face 24/7, ice cream tasted better, and every song on the radio was written for us. The most amazing part is that I wasn't the only one. He's so right for me. You know what he has a lot of? Patience and level-headedness.
We treasured every waking hour we had together for over a month, and now I will proceed to miss him for the next year. I'm 22 now so Mom and Dad I hope you're not freaking out. Some friends have tried to call me out for being secretive about it, but believe me, there is nothing to hide. He's by far the most gorgeous man I've ever been with. God is still my first and foremost lover, and I still place everything in His hands, especially this relationship. I've never been in a more blessed relationship because of it...and it feels so right.
So here I am in Taiwan, and if you're wondering how I'm doing-everything is great and I'm adjusting fine and applying for jobs and making new friends. If you're asking me how I'm FEELING, I miss him terribly. BUT God is doing a lot in our lives right now, and this separation is certainly a test and a time set aside for both of us to seek clarity. BUT it still sucks being so far away from him.
Since you've read this much already, I'll tell you a secret.
For the first time ever, I started looking at wedding dresses this morning.
OKAY THAT'S ALL GOOD NIGHT. <3

Day Five

2010-09-29T00:39:00.005-10:00

After today I'll think of better titles because I'm bond to lose track of the days here soon. I'm always sticky here. I sit to seats, my mac, my cell phone, walls, door handles, it's pretty out of control. Heat acclimation takes 14 days, so sometime next week I should be able to sweat less and bear the thought of wearing pants.
I went in for my first interview this morning! I'm pretty proud of myself for 1) Landing an interview the second day I started my search and 2) Finding my way to the other side of this city via transit on my own, to get there. Oh and 3) Doing really well on my interview, which included an impromptu class demo. I'm supposed to hear back tonight, so we'll see how well I REALLY did. But honestly? And this is weird-I'm not anxious at all. There are TONS of job postings and I've applied for a handful, but I only need one position that suits me well that I will enjoy and I trust that God will make it happen. Hopefully sooner than later.
However, I've realized that these next few days of unemployment in a foreign country is a huge blessing in disguise. In order to execute my master plan of saving the world, I must start somewhere. And I decided today that I will have to learn how to speak Mandarin. In order to do so, I've decided to find an language exchange partner-someone who is willing to meet with me and teach me Mandarin while they get to practice their English speaking skills. I can learn how to communicate with the locals and skip the dreaded writing/reading this way MUAHAAHAHA People here love practicing their English speaking skills, so it's an easy and mutually beneficial trade off for sure! I posted an ad (everyone does it for LE though, it's NOT weird okay!!) and I will be meeting up with a few this week. SO it's a kick start to making new friends, learning Mandarin, and inviting people to our Coffee House nights at the Loft.
Speaking of the ministry-tonight is going to be my first team meeting! I haven't had a full orientation yet of the vision and what role I will be in charge of yet. I'm eager to start though, I'm itching to contribute. So far I love the team, but that's all I know.
Oh, so I went to the gym last night. It's a couple blocks away, you pay by the hour, and it's TINY. I think I sweated more just walking to the gym. That was my conclusion-I don't need to pay to go to the gym cause I sweat enough just everyday as it is. I'm positive that I will lose weight by just being alive here. Hmmm here's couple second video of my street corner, I was just walking and absorbing and felt the urge to capture a moment.

Okay, time to go! Just FYI I tweet as much as I can, so you can follow me on Twitter if you wannnnnt ;)

One and a half days later.

2010-09-27T00:08:00.005-10:00

The hours and days are meshing together. Total sensory, emotional and physical overload. I feel like Jake from Avatar, I need a functioning video cam please! I tried posting videos on FB but it won't work...

So yesterday night after a Costco run (where we picked up bulgogi bakes-their version of the chicken bake-for about two bucks) the team got together for our weekly prayer meeting. A few shared their struggles and we just had worship for a long time. For the first time in a very long time, I felt embraced and in sync with a community of believers.
Thank you God, for answering my long awaited prayers. I'm not best friends with everyone, but I admire, respect and trust every member of this Envision team. I am honored to be one out of nine. Some people very close to me know that I spent every single Sunday this summer seeking a church to grow in. It was the center of many prayers and many journal entries. And by leading me halfway across the world, God finally blessed me. I'm a foreigner here but, finally, I belong somewhere. For those of you who still don't understand quite what I'm doing, here is our blog.

On weekdays, everyone goes to work. So I spent the morning making phone calls and sending out resumes to English cram schools that were still in need of teachers. They always request a picture with the resume, it's weird. Then since I can use my cell phone now, and had a copy of the apartment keys, I went out to explore with a copy of the MRT map (public transport). Jamie gave me a list of places to check out and so I randomly hoped on a train and jumped off at the first familiar looking sign. I ended up at this memorial place, and realized that I had forgotten my camera AFTER I climbed all the way up to the top. So here it is from my cell phone! If I could read Chinese I would tell you who it was for and what the guy did, but I don't so I can't. :)

I got so tired I just went back home, but since home IS in the middle of a famous shopping district, I got completely sidetracked. They have so much STUFF. I've been to Hong Kong, Beijing and other big asian cities but the clothes, shoes, purses, make up, jewelry, etc here is actually CUTE stuff I would totally wear. That was unexpected. But I guess, I can't actually become better at managing money if I'm not faced with temptation. What challenging year it will be. I see fake eyelashes everywhere.

Oh, I almost starved myself looking for lunch today. There are so many places to eat, but I didn't know what it was, if something better was down the street, or if it was safe/clean...I got prescription antibiotics before I left just in case my stomach didn't agree with anything haha. I ended up getting so hungry I just walked into this orange painted place even though there was a guy handing out flyers for it outside. I usually don't trust restaurants that seem to be trying hard for customers, but it may be the norm here? It was a sit down restaurant so I got seated by myself next to a window and contemplated life for about an hour while I tried to eat my whole meal with chopsticks cause I was too embarrassed to ask for a fork.

It's almost seven p.m. now, and between now and midnight is the hardest for me in terms of my jet lag. I gotta get up and shower to stay awake now for bible study later! I miss everyone at home, and for those of you in college, have an amazing first day of classes :)

Day One

2010-09-25T13:21:00.004-10:00

The past few weeks have been insane. Since it seems like forever since I've updated, and now that I'm in Taiwan, how do I start? Either I'm unconsciously stellar at adapting to a completely new world, or I just haven't processed any of it at all. I feel completely normal here! Granted, I can't speak the language, read any signs, or know where I am, but I'm fine with it cause I know everything will come in due time.
I'm sharing an apartment with five other people on the Envision team, with one ROOMmate. I've never shared a room before, but since I never dormed in college I suppose this is as close as I can get to living that out, haha. Everyone is pretty swelllllll they treat me like I've been part of the team for longer than just yesterday! I'm excited to see how I can contribute once everything settles down. I've tried my best to just jump into the groove of things and join in on whatever everyone's doing. Yesterday I met a couple of Taiwanese friends, some that have become Christians through the ministry. We went to a dance performance...I was expecting like, traditional dresses and weird music and to be completely bored out of my mine but it was more like, America's Best Dance Crew. These kids got moves! I was surprised at how much mainstream club music remixes they had. And at the end, there was a proposal and a couple got engaged right up on stage! And the restrooms there, were squatting ones. Oh man.
We walked through the center of the shopping district we live in yesterday to grab burgers. It reminded me of HK and NY. I told myself not to buy anything. I will have to continuously keep on chanting that to myself until I find a job here! Speaking of which, please pray that I find a job soon please! I haven't actually actively started looking here, besides the few I applied to while I was still overseas. I know God will provide, and I'm not too worried about it but I should be?
Anyways, I need to go get ready to go to church now. Bye!

ANNOUNCEMENT

2010-09-16T13:46:00.002-10:00

God, pick up the phone now please. Thanks -Kalong

2010-09-01T19:36:00.003-10:00

"I wish I could just tell you what to do, cause I know you've been so confused about your future since forever-and I'm getting sick of hearing about it...jk." -A best friend over the phone today.

It's true. No one can keep track of what I'm doing anymore, myself included. About two weeks ago, I prayed hard for doors to open up. God threw all the doors open since then, and now I am even more confused! Summary:

-the Red Cross hired me immediately after my internship with them to work as a part time instructor, and they will love to have me as long as possible until I....move?

-I have an interview tmr to work as a manager at...Abercrombie. You know how many years I've slaved in those stores? FIVE. But my old boss messaged me on FB so I took it as a sign to just check it out.

-TAIWAN. Last thing I wanted to do was to randomly move to Taiwan and work on a ministry team for a year. Long story-but I think I'm going to do this.

I asked myself the other day, when was the last time I actually took ACTION and lived out my faith in this God I say I love so much? When was the last time I've taken ANY risks at all? What about sacrifices? I've been living comfortably and I'm happy as a clam. Ew I hate that phase.

It's not just a RISK to leave everything behind in Portland for Taiwan. It's going to be a painful sacrifice and I don't think I've ever actually GAVE til it hurt. God doesn't need my car or my potential salaried job on the East Coast. But He wants me to show that I love Him so much I'll trust Him with my life. Like literally-I'm going to get my butt on an airplane and fly halfway across the world to live with complete strangers for an entire year doing something good but unclear and hope that I'll find a job in the meantime to live off of.

Don't you wish your life was this whimsical? Dear Lord, please pick up the phone to tell me that I'm not going crazy. You've never convicted me into doing anything that didn't turn out to change my life as a huge blessing, so I pray that this won't be any different.

8/16

2010-08-17T08:17:00.002-10:00

As I was writing this last night, I realized that I didn't really feel like posting anything else. Here it is, raw, straight from my JOURNAL.

Sometimes a song can better reflect our deepest beliefs better than words, and that's what worship is for.

2010-08-08T15:03:00.007-10:00

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be

...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me <3

-Jason Gray

This song says everything. :)

Keepin' it REAL!

2010-08-06T09:10:00.008-10:00

I learned a long time ago that what I do, doesn't define me. That is both a good and bad thing, cause sometimes I do great things and other times I'm pretty destructive. Lately I've been leaning more on the better side, working my butt off to learn how teach other ppl to save lives (both physically-CPR, and financially-Measles Initiative) but that doesn't make me a better person.

So last night was the First Thursday/Ecopalooza Art and Fashion show party at Couture that I had been planning with LMG for Red Cross to be a part of for the Measles Initiative They did an amazing job promoting our cause amidst a beautiful crowd and ultra stylish lounge/club, and we raised enough $$ to vaccinate 70 children from measles. But the concept was kinda weird, to have the Red Cross present among the trendiest 20 somethings models, entrepreneurs, artists, at their night time party spots. Seriously, this place was packed with GORGEOUS people and almost everyone I spoke to was a model or just very well off (so you can afford to look better anyway).

I had a few interesting conversations, one of which I remember quite clearly. This guy (MUST have been a model) and I started talking about the campaign and halfway through the shouting he just goes, "Do you think this is a very GIVING crowd?" It made me really stop and look at all the girls in 5" lovely stilettos hugging each other and the sharply dressed men leaning and laughing by the VIP tables...and then I thought about myself.

Um, I go out. I don't think twice about teasing my hair and strapping on wedges on the weekends to meet up with girlfriends at the club. I'll take my fair share of pictures with beautiful friends. Does that mean I don't care about kids in Africa that can't go to school because they have to spend all day hauling dirty water to their villages? I DO care, and there are things I work on during the day to contribute to change.

So I just told the guy, "I don't know if they care, but I'm here cause everyone deserves a chance to." He seemed blown away and threw a dollar into the jar before he disappeared into the crowd. Hmmm.

I think one good characteristic I have is that I have a lot of hope for people, especially people like myself. AND I TRY SO HARD TO BE HUMBLE IT'S CRAZY. I don't think people realize how hard it is for me to stay grounded. It's so easy for me to compare myself with other people and pride myself on actively making a difference outside of my own world, while they are not. But how do I know they don't care until I ask? Beautiful. This gorgeous girl was really confused that this is what I was doing with my life. "So, you're just a super cute girl who is doing all these good things because you care?" Me:"Uhh I guess! Thanks!" Turns out, she had just gotten back from a trip to Haiti and fitted children with prescription glasses there. She was just confused that there were other caring people out there, in the crowd we were in. Thank you God for the encouragement, and bless her soul :)

Oh, remember a few months back when my heart was completely captivated and announced I was moving go to Haiti? God is giving me an opportunity to be patient and trust Him with my future. Cause apparently I can't expect to go there and do work and get PAID for it when everyone else in PAYING to go there as volunteers. Unless I'm a doctor that speaks five languages. It took a while and a few breakdowns to accept this, but I'm okay with it right now. I guess in the real world, it takes time to get to where you want to be-career wise.

So what's next after my internship? I don't know. I'm in the process of applying for jobs within the Public Health field to just gain work experience. I might move to another state to do paper work for a non-profit, or maybe I'll go back to my original plan and teach english overseas to get international experience. I really ought to utilize my networking skills...

For awhile I was praying ALL the time for God to guide me, inspire me, lead me, SHOW ME what to do. I'm not sure if it's happened yet, but He gave me something better, He gave me PEACE, and peace transcends all knowledge. Whatever I end up doing and wherever I may end up, I feel pretty at peace about it now. I'm just enjoying my life, which is a very blessed life after all.

And I'm not defined by anything I do with my life, good OR bad. I try my hardest not to judge others either, but simply be an example. I know in my heart that I am loved and that's what defines me and everything in my life. Just gotta keeps it real!!!!

This is towards the beginning of last night, with darling Fancy, and super supportive coworkers Nate and Bridgette from the Red Cross

Krispy Kremes

2010-07-16T20:09:00.006-10:00

Cell phone off. AIM off. Facebook offline and off. Tweetdeck signed out. No work related stuff, no going out tonight. I need PEACE OF MIND. Since I've gotten back from LIFE conference, I've gone full swing back into work and socializing without even an hour in between to reflect on what role God has been playing in my life. It just hit me on my drive home today that I hadn't opened my Bible once since I've gotten back from Kentucky! If there were prizes for setting poor examples as a leader/mentor/counselor, I'm pretty sure I've already won. Yayyy.

So it's Friday night, and I'm sitting on my bed forcing myself to stay awake (it's past 2am EST dude!!) to jot down what I need to jot down before I forget. Humans are so flawed, they forget everything. Especially me. That's what I have journals and blogs and what not, so I can read them later in astonishment haha

One thing right off the bat that I learned about myself is that I don't think I'm cut out for youth ministry. Whew glad I got that out. Being a youth worker takes extraordinary patience, attention to detail, ability to be responsible during high stress, outstanding maturity, everlasting energy, keen compassion, and superhero powers. I have a renewed UPMOST RESPECT for youth workers. I almost died last week from sleep deprivation. I'm sure some of the kids are reading this now and NOT I DO NOT HATE YOU GUYS IN FACT I LOVE YOU ALL INFINITELY!!! I seriously had a blast, and my small group totally rocked. I'm just not sure I'll survive another one since I'm STILL jet lagged. Hmm.

The seminars at LIFE 2010 were very though provoking, and they had QUALITY speakers. One of my favorites was titled: Living by the Tree (and how to avoid the fruit) by Matt Archer. It might sound totally lame (I don't care!) but it was just what I needed. It was about TEMPTATION in our lives, something very real in my own life that I deal with every day. What, you think it's easy being me?! The stronger person I am, the more things tend to get in my way. It's kinda a fact, something we should NOT be surprised about when it happens. In this seminar, we watched the "Marshmallow Test" Youtube video. Ahh, classic. The concept is simple: Kid gets one marshmallow. If he waits til the adult to come back, he will get TWO marshmallows. If he eats it right away, that's fine but he won't be anymore. So...eat it NOW or wait til later and get DOUBLE?

My train of thought went STRAIGHT into relationships. Sigh, it always does. For being single this WHOLE past year, it's pretty amazing how much of my brain power goes into speculating boy/girl/love/hate/commitment/whatever. I hereby conclude that relationships of various sorts with the opposite gender are my BIGGEST temptation and weakness. One thing the speaker said that REALLY stuck out in my mind was this: "Sometimes, with temptation, we end up settling for so much LESS. And then, it never turns out the way we expected."

I've heard that truth hurts, but this one actually stabbed me in the gut. Not only can it be demonstrated with marshmallows, I have proof of it from my journals. And I have plenty of internal scars. Whether it was a relationship, a fling, emotional attachment or, dare I say it, heck I'll be real, SEX, whenever I gave in when I knew better, it never turned out the way I had hoped. Girls, I swear on this one-if you want a real, healthy relationship, it does not begin with sex.

Everyone- if you give into temptation in the heat of the moment, you probably won't be happy with your choices afterwards. Ex. Beer googles..? Or have you ever saw a box of Krispy Kreme donuts on your kitchen counter? Opened it up and saw all those plump, shiny, glistening round things of delightful goodness?! You KNOW they are uber bad for you but your hand reaches out before you can think and before you know it you're halfway done with one, and then another, and then another, and another...til half the box is left with frosting scraps and THEN you drink a little bit of water and everything expands in your stomach and you realize you have to be in a bathing suit in half an hour and now you just feel SICK.

In every temptation, there is always one TRUTH and one LIE. The TRUTH? More is at stake than what we think. Think about it, when you're being tempted, we don't think straight. We don't think about how this choice could affect our future, someone else's future, or our faith. I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT KRISPY KREMES ANYMORE. The LIE? The belief that whatever we're tempted with, is better than God. For me, when I give into my temptations, it's like I'm b*tch slapping God in the face. I'm saying that I can take care of myself, therefore I do not need God or His opinions and I don't need to play by His rules. Most people live this way.

If we give into temptation, we end up settling for so much less. I constantly have to remind myself that God has bigger and better plans for me. Sometimes I even get tempted to ditch God, but how can I possibly trade in the BEST for something that is just...a 'better'?

vs.

C'mon now.

2010-06-29T07:39:00.006-10:00

I am really sick of seeing cardboard boxes everywhere in my house and all over my room everyday. It's a constant reminder that I moved, I need to settle down, but soon I'll be moving again, and if I'm not careful I'm gonna cut myself or trip over a flap. I, for the want of closing my door, was forced to go through a few boxes of my STUFF yesterday. I had no idea my parents still had all this junk of mine from high school, from middle school. I found my high school diploma, along with THREE tassels to go with it, the license plate of my first car, tons of pictures and old CDs, yearbooks, journals, etc etc. In many ways I am still the same girl, with the same personality, same tendencies and insecurities. And now I'm back in the same town.

I had a wonderful weekend going all over the place with the best of company from all over. I got to spend a sweet night back in Corvallis, spent Saturday tanning and doing water stuff on a stunning lake and rock slides, and enjoyed the Organic Brewers Fest on Sunday before laying around at Sandy river after. It was one of the best weekends I've had in a while! But I feel like something is missing.

I haven't really been to church this month at all. And I've noticed a difference in the way I've been thinking and the things I've been prioritizing as, maybe, a result of it. It's not just church that I haven't been around, it's a community in general. I went from EPIC events MTWThSSun in college to...pretty much nothing. I haven't prayed with anyone. I haven't worshiped. I haven't even written in my journal or read the Bible since I've moved to Portland (I know this because I don't know where my Bible is, probably still in a cardboard box). I haven't had anyone to really share burdens or struggles with, or to help keep me accountable. And this terrifies me to say, but it's almost as if God has left me to see how I'll fend for myself when I have no one to rely on. And honestly, I haven't been doing too well.

It's been said before in Christian communities that when you are closer to God, you are closer to yourself as well. That is because when your IDENTITY is in Christ, He shows you what your life means and what the purpose of your life is, basically. He defines you. When something is being used in the manner in which it was CREATED for, it completes their purpose. Ex. Wrenches are pretty crappy doorstops. They were made for screwing bolts on, and that's what they should be used for. I know this to be true from personal experience (serving in the way I was made to serve, not using wrenches as doorstops). But right now, I don't know what my purpose is. I can't feel God, probably because I can barely grasp what kind of person I am now. It's like I went from a "THIS IS WHO I AM" to "...who am i?".

A LOAD of my dearest friends are off on missions trips all over the world right now. Brian is in Haiti, and even if I forget to pray about anything else I pray for him and his team every day. Lauren and Chase are in San Francisco, Matt is in Indonesia, Nicky is in Hawaii, and they are all doing amazing things. Pray for them.

I have a chance to figure things out, next week. I'm leaving to Louisville, Kentucky from July 4th to July 12th for LIFE Conference 2010, one of the largest nationwide Christian conferences held every four years. I'm chaperoning my church's high school youth group. But at these youth conferences, you never really are JUST a chaperone. I will be challenged as a spiritual leader again. I'll probably be challenged as a Christian again. But as I learned from leading EPIC, we can never grow unless we are challenged. Side note: Francis Chan will be there BTW so I'm super excited to meet him!! So anyway, there is hope for me.

No matter who you are, thank you for taking the time to read this. I don't talk about my spirituality much on a regular basis if it doesn't come up, even though it's a huge part of me. Heck, it IS me actually. Lots of people know me on the outside, but not enough people can say they know who I AM. My best friends are the ones who remind me when I forget.:) Love you all.

Day 4

2010-06-24T06:49:00.003-10:00

I started my internship with Red Cross on Monday, and man. I have a lot to do. I've been kind of a hermit, but it's only because I've been so busy transitioning to this next stage of my life. Every morning my alarm goes off at 7:45am and depending on how tired I am, I've been progressively getting out the door earlier and earlier to TRY to beat traffic. I've learned this about being an adult: The earlier you get on the freeway, the worse traffic will be. I've tested this theory and I know it to be true because I've been tardier and tardier every day LOL. It doesn't look too great, but luckily everyone here is super chill and since I'm floating in and out of departments it's hard for anyone to keep track of when I come and leave.

I love what I do here because I get to do everything. Literally, anything I want to get involved in, I can either jump in and get trained right away, or I can start to take classes to be qualified to do it. I've met a ton of people and we totally get along, I love the people here because it's so evident that they find meaning and joy in their jobs. There are so many volunteers here that I can't tell who is staff and who is a volunteer. I'm technically under the Health and Safety Services Department but I bounce around everywhere. I've things like entering LMS data to riding along to community TWP presentations, preparing to be a CPR/First Aid instructor, going to community trade shows, training to be an emergency relief aid and as of yesterday I'll be the newest contributor to the Red Cross blog: http://redcrosspdx.blogspot.com/

I'll just be sharing my experiences as their intern, all the juicy stuff I'll learn from the INSIDE OPERATIONS if you care to know. I should be quite well-rounded in the area of non-profit humanitarian relief aid organizations when I'm through with my summer. YAY!!!!

As for everything else. I've been hanging out with my parents a lot more cause by the time I get home around 6-7pm I'm way too tired to go out. They're pretty cool and they always want to hear how my day went so I tell them. Last night my mom and I went to Bally's down the street and we got gym memberships. She put me on a detox diet BTW. I resisted for a long time cause I wanted to believe that I could lose weight on my own, but I can't. My dad and I had a beer last night and I'm pretty sure it was the first time ever. I'll venture out to happy hours and lunch dates with my BELOVED friends again once I get everything settled! This is the first time I've blogged in a while cause I'm just so tired by the end of the day.

It's good to be back and it's nice to be meeting new faces everyday. I just wish there wasn't so much traffic <3

Forward

2010-06-13T21:29:00.005-10:00

It seems like no matter what I do, my life continues on as an adventure, a mystery, a tragedy and a celebration of all the above and it keeps on moving forward.

I graduated from Oregon State with a degree in Public Health-Health Behavior and Health Promotions. It was a gorgeous sunny day at Reser Stadium and everyone kept on going "This is it!! We did it!!" like we had reached the highest end goal of our lives or something, and I was just worried that my cap would fall off cause I pinned it to look nicer in pictures. As we marched down the street into the stadium I thanked God for where I was...

Thank you everyone for showing up these past two days to congratulate me, the cards and flowers, and thank you for everyone inspiring me to be excited for my future. I was trying to explain what I DO with my degree to friends over watermelon cubes today and this is my conclusion: I pretty much got a degree in Public Health so I can get paid to volunteer. Which is exactly what I love doing so much that I would do it for free. Dream come true!

Now I'm just hanging out in the guest bedroom of my parent's house in Fairview, with tons of junk and boxes everywhere from the chaos of switching and cleaning out rooms for my brother living and me coming back. It doesn't look like I'll make it to the Rose Festival this year, but that's okay. My parents threw my brother and I a graduation BBQ at Blue Lake and it was pretty much perfect. Before this week i was kinda bummed about moving back to Portland because I didn't want to be separated from my friends in college, but after today I realized that I have more than plenty of friends in town that I cannot wait to spend the summer with, and plenty of friends that will never leave! I was gone for years, and people still showed up to celebrate with me.

"The most beautiful discovery that true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." Liz Foley

Tomorrow I'll be cleaning my car, watching my bro graduate high school and driving back to Corvallis so I can pack up the last three years of my life. GAH! C'est la vie....

Random...aka me procrastinating

2010-06-06T19:59:00.004-10:00

When I'm feeling down or emotional, I read quotes. In high school after break ups, I would go to Powell's Bookstore and just squeeze myself into side benches in the Self Help section and tearfully flip through love poem collections or quotes on love and relationships. I don't know what kind of person that makes me, maybe a crazy girl but everyone is a little crazy if the circumstances call for it.

I'm twenty two now and I know how things work a little better than I did before. I am still learning everyday that there is a lot more I have yet to learn, but I'm not afraid of heartbreak. One thing that's a little better now is that I know who I am and I refuse to believe anyone who tells me that I don't deserve what I want. I just want a fairy tale.

Sometimes I wonder how the heck my heart has the capacity to care about so many things, to be able to break for kids dying from preventable diseases thousands of miles away AND be hurt over a cute guy that didn't work out. I'm so excited for my little brother to start college at OSU and I'm on the brink of happy tears when I learn of humanitarian campaigns started up by HIV positive women in Vietnam. I went downstairs to the cafe at the library today and was mortified that they were completely wiped out of all food, especially oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. And I'm annoyed that I tweet so much nowadays. I marvel at the way I think, which is odd, I think. But i'm thankful to be able to have feelings and that I'm able to be transparent. Someone told me it was quite a refreshing thing to be indeed :)

I haven't talked about God in a while, but He's in on everything that's been happening lately. I think He's been wanting to remind me to remind others that if He used ME to influence so many people to know Jesus, even a little bit, He's waiting for others. He doesn't really have a plan B. I look at the EPIC leadership team we have for next year and my heart just swells with joy and thankfulness for their drive and love for the same God. I thank Him everyday for letting me live this life, this way.

Graduation announcements have been sent out, planning to bling out my cap with rhinestones later this week and start packing my things up. I went to a high school graduation party at a park today for one of my younger girlfriends I absolutely adore. It reminded me of how fast life goes by. It's such a precious thing, I want to experience it all.

Just for a minute

2010-06-05T19:24:00.002-10:00

I feel like a complete dork doing this but I just can't do this paper right now. I'm sitting on the main floor rotunda in the Valley library on a Saturday night at a big table by myself in OSU sweatpants and a hello kitty tank. I have a double shot Annihilator from Dutch Bros and this random guy just came to talk to me cause he liked my hot pink/black zebra Mac skin cover. It's 10:30 and I have one paragraph done. I'm starting to get crazy ideas in my head, like paying someone to write it or plagiarizing the whole thing...

But I'm gonna miss nights like this. It's dark outside already and drunk people are wandering all around camping making their way back and forth between the Flat Tail concert out in the Quad. It's my last Saturday night here and I'm sure to start sporadically bursting into tears next week because moments like these can't happen anywhere else at any other time. I'm so melodramatic today, this week.

Something has also been pondering on my mind that hasn't helped me to concentrate. I think I'll process it later in my written journal cause even though I'm super open and honest about my own feelings, this involves another person. I'll just say this, and I think I've said it before. I'll be done with college next week, and (as far as my culture and family's approval goes) I can get married if the opportunity comes up. It's just so crazy to think about. Everyone knows I don't take dating lightly, and I haven't been in a relationship for a whole school year now. I never actually thought it would be possible, but it happened-thank God. But today the opportunity unexpectedly came up and it definitely shook me up. They say that we shouldn't look to marry a person you can live with, you should marry the person you can't live without. Processing.

Capturing this moment in time. DON'T JUDGE ME!

Graduation, toilet paper and change.

2010-06-05T08:52:00.005-10:00

So much has been going on I wish I had more time to write it all down! This past week an even split between overly emotional to complete indifference. Everything was the 'last' of something; last time getting up for 8am classes, last time having a DPO sisterhood event, last time at EPIC, even last time buying toilet paper. I hugged that toilet paper BTW-nothing feels more independent than buying your own toilet paper at Fred Meyers.

I also stayed up ridiculously late writing horrendously long term papers and trudged around campus in sweats drinking coffee like water looking like a zombie but I learned a ton. I know people complain about assignments and papers and exams (I do too) but when I look back, I actually got a very well rounded education here. I learned stuff!! And I had SO much fun doing it. I honestly don't know how I fit everything in.

So everyone keeps on asking me, are you excited to graduate? I almost dread the question honestly cause I can't answer in two seconds which is when people expect an answer. It's so obvious that I love college, it was the best few years of my life thus far. But then again, before college I was convinced that high school was the best four years of my life. I don't want to leave, but I know that God has even bigger and better plans ahead for me. I've learned that the only thing certain in life, is change.

I'll be in Portland this summer and even though I have to move back in with my parents cause I have to do a 400 hour unpaid internship, I'll be adjusting to living in the 'real world' again. There are so many things I love about Portland but I just don't know what it will be like to not be able to come back to my lovely apartment in Corvallis. Blah. And then after summer, I'm welcoming the great unknown with open arms. Okay. I guess it's about time I head to the library now :( But it's so nice and sunny out today!!! UGH! WHY NOW!!!

APA End of the Year Celebration!

Eyelashes

2010-05-17T18:09:00.003-10:00

Some of you who see me on a regular basis might know that I have an obsession with false eyelashes. I have a ton of different styles and too many pairs, I love experimenting with them and I've been doing it since freshman year of high school!!! My real eyelashes are almost non-existent due to this selfish abuse. But I love them. I go crazy over them whenever I see them at a store! They are probably my favorite accessory.
Once when I was in Seattle with my family, we went into this asian store and they had a TON of falsies that were super cheap and really cute. I wanted to buy them all but the store only took cash and I didn't have any on me, so I found my dad and begged him to cover it and he wouldn't cause he thinks the whole fake eyelash thing is atrocious. Haha. I know I look fine with or without them but I love them. So I asked my little brother and he's cool so he bought a pair for me....:)
That's all. I haven't written anything in a while so I just though I'd share something pointless about me.

I love my life!! Minus school work.

Week Seven

2010-05-13T19:30:00.005-10:00

How is it possible for days to feel longer but for weeks to feel so much shorter?! This week isn't even over yet but I feel that if I don't document a snapshot of it, it will disappear forever in my ocean of forgotten events LOL terribly sad, really.

So as part of the final project for a class, I have to spend ten hours engaging and getting involved with a student group on campus that I am either unfamiliar or uncomfortable with. It just so happens that this week is Pride Week at OSU, so I decided to partake in the LGBT community (Lesbian, Gay, Bi & Trans) by attending many of their events this week such as a "Coming Out" workshop and intro/terminology workshops. I'm keeping a whole journal full of my thoughts/experiences (as part of the project) so there is no need to repeat them here. I must say, they are quite a vibrant community and I admire their strength and pride despite the oppression they have faced and still face today. I find it fascinating actually, and I am grateful for this eye-opening experience (it has just begun!!) Looking forward to the Draw Show tomorrow...

I joined up the rally on Wednesday to protest against the SB 1070 law! It's a law that got passed in Arizona making it legal for police to check for legal papers from anyone who looks 'suspicious'. I refuse to say whether I am for or against immigration laws, but I am definitely against racism. It was a super cool experience to walk around campus alongside hispanic families, fellow students, strangers from all different backgrounds that cared enough to show it. I must have looked like a dummy cause I came late and couldn't find my friends so I just walked along and just smiled at the cameras, just proud of everyone matching (and there were a lot, over 200 people). I am grateful to be attending an university with so much fierce passion for justice and equality.

Right after the rally, I sobbed in class during a VIDEO that we were supposed to be taking notes on. It was about China's One Child Policy, and how that has affected the gender trends in China and how it has affected the little girls born there. I'm such a sap nowadays. But the video was a documentary on American families traveling to China to finally adopt their Chinese baby daughters. Those baby girls were so beautiful, I just can't grasp how their mothers could abandon them (even though the whole point was to understand China's social/economical crisis over it). I couldn't stop crying cause it just broke my heart, and I'm a Chinese girl too. That could have been me, but God blessed me with my parents, and blessed the time and place where I was born, which was Hong Kong and did not have such policies. I missed my mom a lot after that so I called her after class and started to bawl all over again. Oh, what an emotional day. It was beautiful and sunny though.

Which was perfect cause my and my DPO sisters had a photo shoot outside!!! Perfect day, gorgeous sisters. I love them, period.

This morning I met up with a few people to discuss the Mentoring Project we are forming to bring high risk youth to college. We are going to show kids the value of going to college, help them see how it is possible for them, and share our experiences. You wouldn't have been able to tell now, but I really needed something like this when I was in high school. Not a lot of people even know that I did my first year of college at Mount Hood Community College because I was so lost. It's going to take place next Saturday (May 22nd) on campus, let me know if you know any high schoolers that would be interested!

Then the Red Cross Blood Drive. I was signing donors in when I got a call FROM the American Red Cross, and it looks like if everything goes well I'll be doing my internship with them this summer in Portland!!! YAY!!! My first choice was Mercy Corps but everything happens for a reason. I'm super excited for my post-college journey to begin. Oh, I spontaneously decided to donate blood. 1) Because I gained so much weight I actually WEIGHED ENOUGH for the very first time 2) They said my tattoo was fine (I was secretly hoping they wouldn't) 3) It was going to be the very last Blood Drive I would be at OSU and 4) A few good friends came for moral support and to hold my hand through it. I'm trying to think of words to describe it without scaring off anyone who hasn't done it before, but it was memorable and I definitely encourage everyone to do it!! I felt so brave, like a seasoned warrior or something, with that red tape on my arm.

And then I got excused from class because I was queasy (this was after I already half fainted at the food station and was forced to lay down with cold towels on my head) and realized that I'm so used to fast-paced days that it was impossible for me to rest during the middle of them. I got up in time for a photo shoot for the Barometer (OSU newsletter) because I'm getting a profile article written on me (cause I'm sooooo interesting I guess ;) ) Turns out the photographer was a Christian girl too and we had this total heart to heart connection! I love how God uses the most random situations to connect people.

EPIC tonight was my highlight. It always usually is. We went over Matthew 6:25-34 and then Phillipians 4:4. The passages where Jesus tells us not to worry cause God will take care of us. I don't even have to ask God for things I want anymore because He already knows what I NEED. It's so true in my life. How often have you asked for something you wanted, but instead, got something you NEEDED?

TOMORROW I've been asked to be on a panel with other Asian Americans in my class, speaking on what it's like being Asian and how our lives have been different because of it. There has been a panel of Blacks and Hispanics too. My education here at Oregon State is nothing less than incredible. Then I'll be washing cars for Delta Phi Omega's Car Wash from noon to four. Then I'll be serving food for the APA Food Demo from four to six. RELAY FOR LIFE starts at six tomorrow!!!! So I'll be setting up for that, EPIC/INTERVARISTY team (come visit)!!!! And then Drag Show at eight.

Yep that's been my week in a nutshell. No worries, just peace and love ;) And God brings the sunshine.

Me outside in the Quad today after giving blood :D

Week Six

2010-05-02T17:18:00.005-10:00

There were plenty times in my life where I felt pretty cheap. Easy. Worthless. A complete failure and a waste of oxygen. You know what's the worst thing someone can say to me? That I'm a disappointment. I've never been a perfectionist or an over-achiever--I simply want to do what I say I'm going to do. And when I FAIL, I've learned to just get back up, brush myself off and keep on running...but it's not always easy.
I would go into details, you can ask and if I think it will be beneficial...my point is, sometimes I have to realize how valuable I really am because it's really easy to forget. My dear brother and friend Daryl spoke at Epic last Thursday, God spoke to me so much through his words. I'm convinced he should be a pastor. But he ended his message with this demonstration:
He took a $5 bill out and asked if anyone wanted it, and a few people raised their hands. Then Daryl crumpled it up and repeated the question, and people still wanted it. Why not? It's still a $5 bill. He then stomped on it, crumpled it up more, all but spat on it, and then offered it out again...people still wanted it. Because it could still be used, it was still a $5 bill, it still had value.

I have a lot of friends that have gone through a lot, messed up a lot and been hurt a lot more than any of us deserve. I could be thinking of you right now. And that is me too. But please try to see how no matter what we do to degrade ourselves, how many mistakes we make, how much we've corrupted our lives, our value doesn't change in God's eyes. We are still of great worth in His sight. I am precious, I am irreplaceable, and my Father delights in me.
There is this thing called Grace. Grace is a gift that you don't deserve. It's like crashing your dad's brand new car, but instead of killing you and holding a grudge, he buys you your OWN car to start over with. Can you imagine how that would feel? After that, I would drive more carefully, value vehicles more, and do everything I can to show my dad how grateful I am. And He delights in that. But I can never go on with my life if I refuse to accept His gift. What if I felt so bad, so guilty about totaling the car that I tell my dad I don't want the new car he bought for me? It's just gonna sit in the driveway and my life would be stagnant. Grace. It's a gift from God, it cost Him dearly, and we are going to remain in this rut of self-pity and grief until we come to our senses and get behind that wheel once more.
Every time I get on my knees and let my tears of despair run down, I am forgiven and grace and peace settle into my heart. It's beautiful and unexplainable, it can only be felt with the heart. And every time it's even more precious to me. It's very real, and I just did it today.

"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth, give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name." Psalms 86:11. That was my prayer.

A couple weeks ago, I heard a girl give her testimony. And she referred to her life as a SONG. I liked that a lot. We have to keep on singing our songs, hopefully it's a beautiful song that will bring joy to all who hear it. :)

About 78%

2010-04-26T20:51:00.002-10:00

About 78% of my friends are non-religious/rebel christians/other. But they love me and I love them even more. Growing up I never even had one solid Jesus-loving friendship, so I would say I've advanced some since then. I'm still learning how to balance the two, being the same person in two different worlds but as I've gotten older and more confident with myself and what I stand for, I find it easier to do. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense to people why I'm so crazy about this Jesus dude, but at least they admire my passion, even if I seem completely blinded to them. And that's okay with me.

A guy once asked me if any sane person has ever changed the world and I confidently insisted that there must have been some, but I couldn't think of any examples so I guess maybe I'm wrong.
I don't know if I've been doing this to the full potential lately, but I am compelled to live a life that demands an explanation. I want people to talk about me like I'm this weird girl who does stuff like sleep at the Quad to raise money to save bunnies at the Humane Society or something and they go uh..WHY?! And then I can say, well, Jesus did all sorts of crazy stuff too. And then I can tell them about Jesus.

Wow that was a really bad example. This is a sign that it's late and this week has been/will be insane for me and that I need to sleep. Good night!

Love Theology

2010-04-19T11:50:00.006-10:00

So this past weekend I've been listening to a three part series SERMON by John Mark (from the Way) about love. It's kind of weird listening to sermons at home in your room, it's like you're in church while folding your laundry! Not something I do everyday..but this was an exceptional message. It's called Loveology, here's the link (hope it works!! If not just ask me. People have been telling me to check it out forever, but I'm not the type of person to seek out sermons-I am a straightforward person and I like straightforward links! So here you go!) It's not another Christian dating lecture-it's about so much more than that. I have to listen to the whole thing again and take notes, but there are a few things fresh in my mind that I wanted to process before I forget!!

-Men are supposed to pursue women. It's biblical. Whether or not you take her out to coffee or a nice dinner, that doesn't matter as much because that is cultural. I forgot the story and the verses John Mark used but it's pretty well backed up and I agree. As a single girl, it's something that I've been speculating lately. Some guys refuse to pursue a girl. Some guys want it to be 50/50. And it seems like lately only the teensiest number of guys are willing to put themselves out there and risk rejection. It might sound harsh but guys, how you approach a girl you're interested in says SO MUCH about your character. Right now at this point in my life, I am grateful for guys that have enough balls to make plans, follow through, and pursue a girl's heart. Her HEART.

-Who you are will set the standard for the kind of person you will date. ex. It's kind of ridiculous to want someone with super nice abs if you never work out yourself (unless you're naturally skinny and in that case you suck!). Instead of making an extensive list of things you want in a future husband (I'm soooo guilty), BECOME the kind of person you would date. Ugh that sounds weird. I hope that makes sense cause it made a lot more sense when I heard it. But I dare to suggest that I have subconsciously known this all along. Maybe that's why I've embarked on picking up random tasks like driving a manual, bootcamp, snowboarding, rock climbing, etc. because if I can do it, I can expect my match to do it too. Guys, please learn how to drive a manual if you don't know how.

-Date for the shortest time possible. I know that sounds like whaaaaa! But think about it. Dating is dangerous. There is a lot of temptation and drama in dating relationships, no duh. Either you want to marry them or you don't. Date for as long as needed to figure it out, but the longer you drag it on, the more likely you will get attached to someone who is not right for you. If they are right for you, it won't take that long for you to know. If you're unsure, then they're not right for you. It's quite simple actually. Do I actually believe this? Yeah, I do. I'll be done with college in a few weeks and I can get married if I want to and there're nothing anyone can do to stop me! The only thing missing is a potential husband but no worries. Which brings me to my last point....

-God's timing is almost NEVER the same as our timing. Okay, this isn't from Loveology, it's from church last Sunday. It's pretty self-explainatory. Proverbs 13:12-"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of Life." I hate, HATE it when people say this to me, but there's nothing more true: You'll meet the right person when you least expect it. I'll have to go one step further and add: I'll probably meet the right person when I don't even WANT a relationship because I'm so engaged with experiencing the best season of my life being single. And I think I really am! God does amazing things with our lives while we are waiting. God HAS done so much with me this past school year! Single people learn how to care about the things of the Lord. Oh, how true that has been! It's my last term at Oregon State and I'm loving it. I can't believe it's almost been a whole school year of me being single, but I wouldn't trade it for anything! I grew up SO much and learned SO much about myself as a Christian, a leader, a friend, a woman...

I wanted to end this post with an amazing story or an insightful epiphany but nothing is coming to mind. I'm just happy I found time to write. "A writer doesn't always feel like writing, but (s)he is always glad after (s)he has written." -Miller

Oh, joy!

2010-04-13T12:45:00.003-10:00

I really love my friends. I really love it when the sun comes out. I really love it when people tell me I'm pretty when I'm wearing sweats and haven't showered. I love dogs. Everyone just seems so much happier Spring Term! I'm just really happy/tired today. On days like this I remember wise words I've heard once-we ought to seek JOY over happiness because happiness is situational and can change or be dependent on our circumstances. To have JOY is feel this way no matter what happens in our lives. :)

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

So I asked God for a sunny day...

2010-04-12T08:33:00.002-10:00

And it actually IS sunny today even though the weather forecast said it would be mid 50's and raining all week! Marvelous. Sometimes when it's sunny outside I get so excited I don't even know what to do with myself. And so I just end up inside...weak.
I'm starting to read this book titled "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm pretty sure some of you have read it. It's a #1 New York Times bestseller and I must admit it is quite good, just the type of book I like to read in the park when it's sunny out. One of my sisters gave it to me after hearing my testimony last Thursday, and I can tell why. This woman's adventure is just one step ahead of mine. I'm only on Chapter Ten but I'm completely hooked.
The book starts with this woman realizing that she did not want to have a baby even though everything in her life was ideal to start a family. I do not want that to be me! Sorry guys, I feel like after I work for a while I'm going to have to save up enough money to leave the States for a year to simply TRAVEL and ENJOY and fall in LOVE with the world before I ever settle down to get married. And even after I get married, I'm going to drag my husband around to all the places I loved the most and THEN start a family.
I need more wise, older women in my life :)

Week Two

2010-04-10T08:18:00.003-10:00

I cannot believe I am two weeks into my last term at Oregon State! I have an amazing feeling about my last stretch here. Lately my heart has been really easily captivated...

Has anyone realized how amazing college is? This is where we essentially grow up into productive adults. College is where you set the pace for potentially the rest of your life! There is so much going on campus all the time-just this week alone I was reminded of the EPIC vision, sat in a meeting to plan for Cultural events this term, embraced by my sorority sisters, threw up in boot camp conditioning class, worked on a class presentation for tobacco advertising bans, helped plan for a 5k run on campus, went to a documentary about why low income people have a higher diabetes prevalence, brainstormed ideas for Slavery Still Exists awareness week, sat in awe listening to Outspoken on campus, had the opportunity to share my testimony at EPIC, sniffled through The Last Song and went barefoot for a whole day. The life of a college student is beautiful (especially when the sun is out) but all of our experiences depend on what we make of it. So for all you youngsters, take a sociology class. Take a philosophy class. Go out and volunteer, go table in the Quad for something you believe in whether it's raising money for breast cancer or promoting dental care. Do something you normally wouldn't do, cause chances are the opportunities aren't going to come nearly as easily when you're done with school.

It's hard to be in Public Health and not dream big dreams to save the world. It's even harder as a Christian to know God's love and not want to spread it around as much as possible. Some people think it's weird that I'm living outside the box, but I'm just sad for those who can't see that they are living IN a box. Life is just a bunch of little choices that you make that builds up your character and what you stand for. You can make safe, comfortable boring choices and live a safe, comfortable life and I won't judge. Or you can make risky, interesting choices and live a life worth talking about. How's that for my motivational speech of the day? ;)

It's my last term, I'm going to make it my best term.

The significance of it all...

2010-04-06T09:07:00.006-10:00

On Easter Sunday I found myself sitting in Sunday School watching a video about ancient Israel and honestly I was not interested. But then I learned about this place called Tel Gezer, Israel. The Israelites were God's people and He chose this land for them to build their nation. Turns out, this place was located on a narrow stretch of land right in between the two most powerful nations of the ancient world (Egypt and Assyria). All trade had to go through Tel Gezer and thus it was a very crucial passageway. Basically, whoever controlled Tel Gezer could control the whole ancient world.

What does this have to do with anything? Well God strategically placed His nation there, out of ALL places, He put them there. Since so much trading when on in this place, was a very influential part of the world-think like, modern day New York City. Their position gave them a huge influence over the world.

This completely blew my mind when I applied it to my own life. I believe that God has strategically placed me in a position for reasons beyond my comprehension. Where am I exactly? I'm a college student with an overwhelming network of people. I can blend in or step out, people trust me, confide in me, challenge me and just know me. I've worked everywhere and went to so many different schools and participated in so many organizations it's ridiculous honestly. What kind of influence do I have and what am I doing with it?

Lately I've been going out a lot and even though it probably wasn't all that great for my health, I met a lot of interesting people I would never have met otherwise. But I'm cutting back because my time left in college is so short, and there's so much more I'm called to do. My life isn't exactly mine to live remember? :) Much work is awaiting ahead for me to bring glory to my Father's kingdom.

Same goes to you too. I believe everyone has a higher calling and I challenge you to seek it out. If you're a college student, have you realized that throughout history WE have been the drive and force behind all the greatest movements in the world? College students are the ones that change and shape society, and we ARE the future. Hmmm let's start with the One Day without Shoes campaign this Thursday! It's simple, choose not to wear shoes this Thursday to raise awareness for kids who go barefoot everyday.

One Day Without Shoes

The Facebook Event

The Bible says:
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?" 1 John 3:16.

A couple days ago I heard that some people think I'm weird because of my lifestyle. And of course since I'm human, hearing that hurt, but honestly it also kind of made me happy in a strange way. Because it must mean something if people have noticed that I'm different, and maybe they just don't get it. Not that long ago when I was still in a narrow-mindset bubble, I started falling for everything because I didn't stand for ANYTHING. I think my point is, I know people are going to look at us funny for not wearing shoes (if you choose to be brave). Especially since it's POURING rain and freezing in Corvallis...but I think Jesus will be smiling down at us for breaking our cultural norms for the sake of acknowledge another's. God has blessed each of us with power to make a statement and to influence others!!! What are you going to do with it?

I don't think I do this enough, if ever, but I want to thank you for reading this post. It means a lot to me <3

He holds my heart in His hands.

2010-03-15T19:41:00.002-10:00

I went for an amazing run alone today after taking a final, IcyHot patches on my shins and everything. When I go running, I usually blast my club/techno mixes so loud I can't hear myself think, maybe that's what keeps me running. A lot has been going on in my head lately, noise mostly. SO I go running to block it out with MORE noise...

I understand now why my mom used to tell me not to date until after college HAHA because guys are a distraction and there is nothing more true than that.

I've been going a little insane for the past few weeks. I thought that stepping down from EPIC would give me the time and desire to pursue God more intimately. This story is an illustration of how unexpected things can happen despite good intentions haha

A few days ago, I realized that I was a heartbroken girl. UGH. WHO THE HECK WANTS TO BE THAT?! But that was my reality, and if you read my past posts you might be able to piece some things together. Or I can just be straight up and tell you that I am pretty bitter over men and dating right now. I just started dating again after months of completely avoiding it, it wasn't even close to getting on my agenda because I had ME to do and I did it. Yeah, and it was super awesome. THIS, now, this isn't so awesome at all. I want to be in love again, but I kinda wish God would just castrate all men too. I wish I wasn't so transparent but I am! I'm a little happy that I can't give just one single guy all the credit though, thanks to the few jerks that I handed out pieces of my heart to, thanks a lot for letting it slip through your fingers. I'm confident and I still love myself enough to add, sorry it's YOUR loss. I don't need anyone's pity. But I was still hurt...

I went to church twice yesterday cause I have been going through extremes to not study, and it made me think about what God thinks of me for being such a little wuss. I wanted to keep my broken pieces away from God cause I felt like it was my thing I had to deal with first, it was my junk and it was my fault. But I couldn't feel close to God when all I could think about was how awful this feeling was!

So back to running today. I know I'm really corny for always trying to tie my posts back to a story, but whatever you're the one reading this still.

I was at the waterfront park downtown and my shins were burning (I've had horrid shin splints all term) so I slowed down and sat on a bench, and didn't feel like listening to LMFAO anymore. I was really sad-I don't think there is a lonelier scene than that of a girl sitting on a park bench by herself at dusk. I shuffled my iPod around and it started playing this Hillsong song called Nails in Your Hands or something. I normally dislike graphic Jesus crucification lyrics, but this one caught me off guard. I curled up and started crying (which made it the saddest scene you could ever imagine) because Jesus knew how I felt and He purposely put Himself through it because He loved me. He felt my pain, only a million times worse, and could relate to it more than anyone else ever could. And I felt God crying on that bench at the park with me.

And that is why, I love my Father more than I love boys.

Flickr Find

2010-03-09T07:33:00.003-10:00

"Therefore I am now going to allure her." - Hosea 2:14

In the Bible there is a story of a man named Hosea. God commanded him to marry an unfaithful wife - a harlot, an adulteress. Hosea did as God commanded. Although, Hosea was good to his wife and provided for her all she needed, she still sought other men and lovers. She even got pregnant twice from other men even when she was still with Hosea. For some reason she was not satisfied with Hosea alone, and one day she leaves him.
Hosea was heart broken. And it did not go well with his wife either. She had it so bad out there on her own - eventually she hit rock bottom and sold herself into slavery.

Yet after all his wife had done, Hosea still loved his wife. God told Hosea to take back his wife:
The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods" (Hosea 3:1)

He goes and finds her - filthy, dirty, damaged, - as a slave. He buys her and covers her with his love and right then and there she is allured.

This story illustrates us and our relationship with God. We are the unfaithful adulterous wife, while Hosea represents God. And even though we seek other gods and other pleasures of this world, the love of God is undying. He is faithful even when we are not. He wants to allure you back to him.

-profile off Flickr "The Message"

God-shaped hole.

2010-03-02T22:44:00.006-10:00

It's the little things we do each day that make a difference in who we are and who we become. TINY things like smiling at the barista or not throwing your banana peel into the recycling bins. Or...texting back to say you're on for Pint Night. So who have I been lately? Not me. Seriously, I have NOT been myself at all...

A crucial question Christians may find helpful to ask themselves from time to time is:

"To whom does our life belong to?"

This fundamental question is a pivotal point for life choices-big and small and in everything we do.

Really, think about it. Cause if I love Jesus like I say I do, my life isn't for me to live however I want to. If my life belongs to MYSELF, I would live my life to serve and benefit me, to make me happy in the ways I know how. If my life belongs to God, I would live my life to serve a God that knows and wants the BEST for me. Do I really really believe that? Do you believe that?

I just want you guys to know, that I would much rather prefer you know me as a real person than a perfect person.

These past few weeks I've been starting to live my life the way I wanted-a lifestyle I had tossed behind me years ago and never thought I would go back to. It was bad. I changed a long time ago because these addictions were consuming me and rotting me from the inside out, and it will again if I let it. For a bit I felt as if I was fighting a losing battle alone. I couldn't understand why I had experienced such a better way to live my life, but then turned and did things I knew would leave me broken and empty inside. And I did feel very broken and empty inside-like I had a hole in my heart that wasn't there before. I've been trying to fill up this hole with the same things that put it there in the first place... it's been weeks and it's not working.

I went to CAPS for the first time today (it's the counseling service on campus for students) and I realized how introverted and depressed I've been lately. No one can pull me out of this but myself, but I don't have to do it alone. Living a lifestyle that makes me feel fabulous for a night left me feeling depressed for weeks because my life isn't mine to live that way anymore. A swan wouldn't flock over and try to swim with ducks, she can see her reflection and she sees just how much more beautiful she is and then she just doesn't fit in with the others anymore(I'm not trying to say anything about U of O-it's just an analogy I heard once). I just need to stare into my true reflection and forgive myself for forgetting-which is exactly what close friends have been telling me for weeks.

My life doesn't belong to me, my life belongs to God and He'll make the world a better place because of me, one little step at a time. Even when I screw up. The world doesn't quite work the way it once did anymore, and I think I'm okay with that. And hey-if He can work with me, I bet He wants to use you too.

I read a really good book a while back, that really illustrates how living for someone ELSE could possibly make sense. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years is written by Donald Miller, one of my favorite authors. When we learn to play our part in a story grander than just our own lives, when we fall into the character God had written us to be, when we become part of HIS story, it gives meaning to ours. Cause that's what we're made for and despite everything, that is the core of my faith and that is how I strive to live.

Thank you to everyone who has listened to me, loved me and carried me through this. And for those of you who didn't know, thank you for asking and caring. I love you guys so much from the bottom of my heart!!

Missing the target

2010-02-19T14:13:00.004-10:00

Yesterday at EPIC during a small group discussion, I was reminded of what SIN actually means. It hit me really hard-not because I had forgotten what sin was, but I had forgotten that God understands.

I made a really bad decision a few days ago and I've been completely broken, torn and alone over it. I was so angry with myself. I didn't want to dwell on it, but I already saw myself starting to repress and trying to forget about it. It wasn't hard to either-this has been one of the busiest weeks I've had all term. But I found that the more I tried to run away from it, the more it haunted me. It's killing me right now, and I hate that some people would emphasize my faults and failures FIRST. I hold myself to high standards and I broke them.

Sin separates us from a healthy relationship with God. After I have sinned, I don't feel like reading my Bible. I barely cracked it open all week. I feel hesitant praying. I don't understand why I have to act so "Christian" all the time if it's not who I really am. Or is it?

The word SIN is deprived from a Greek (?) word that means missing the bull's eye. Back in the ancient times, people would shoot arrows at standing targets (I don't know why, seems like a terrible waste of time to me) and if they missed the bull's eye, the center mark, it was called a 'sin'.

I called a really close friend to talk about it, and I pondered why God would be so willing to forgive me. I was reminded that I am loved by a God of MERCY and GRACE. Grace is receiving something I don't deserve, and mercy is not getting punished when I deserve it. Sometimes I almost wish God would strike me down with lightening (but not kill me) for messing up like I do. I mean it, it would teach me a lesson. But instead God just sits there and lets me experience this horrid guilt, this verge of self-hate. I suppose this is sufficient punishment. God doesn't WANT to watch me suffer, but right now I am still consumed by it.

So if you guys can forgive me for screwing up, be patient with me for being angry and tired of being Christian sometimes, and pray for me, that will mean a lot.

Blah sorry for such a dreary entry.

Random

2010-02-06T17:44:00.004-10:00

I read once that we should always write for the world to read, to see how we see it. I don't know if that applies to everything, but I'm a pretty open person and I don't feel like I have anything to hide. Besides, the way I view the world is worth taking notes, I think.

Honestly today I had a pretty crappy day. I was pretty melodramatic about it to shake off the deep sadness I felt, but it only worked for so long. To make a long story short, I met someone and it ended up not working out like I had hoped it would. A close friend of mine went through the same thing, and he said, "This is me. Alone. Forever!!" in a joking way but it really got to me and I felt like crying in bed like a girl who didn't get asked to prom. Not only did I hurt myself, I hurt him too and that felt way worse.

I'm not spilling my heart out so that FB friends (and people that actually follow my BLOG) can comfort and reassure me that I will find someone awesome eventually. I know that. I browsed Powell's Bookstore all day today to distract myself and hoping to stumble across insight, and I found myself in the Self-Help section. Goodness. I flipped through a few books like "Fat, Broke and Lonely" "How to Be a Dating Queen" and "Dummies Guide to Romance". I realized that I don't have any freaky self-esteem issues or deal-breaker dating habits...I just hold high standards and I'm impatient. But I'm only human, I'm just a girl who wants to hold hands and get flowers on Valentine's Day just like everyone else. And today was my day to feel sad. EVEN THOUGH things could be a lot worse, like:

-I could have lost my house and family in a huge earthquake

-I could have been bitten by a shark and have to get my leg amputated

-I could have been born with a mental illness and be marginalized by society and homeless.

-I could have never been introduced to EPIC.

Maybe I need to stop praying for God to bring me someone special, and start praying for contentment being single.

Meanwhile, I might as well just get my Ph.D and paint my room for when I move back in with my parents and start adopting cats.

What I learned from a weekend in Hawaii

2010-02-05T07:05:00.002-10:00

I realized that Hawaii is merely a place. There isn't anything special about it-streets, buildings, cars, stores, restaurants, people, plus some sand, sunshine and ocean. I'm not sure what I wanted from booking a random trip out there last weekend-but I didn't realize what I was expecting until I found it lacking. For some reason I was looking forward to magical spiritual revival and crazy God encounters and epiphanies everyday....kind of like last summer over Summer Project.

So I went and walked around UH campus, ate at familiar restaurants, and laid out on the beach by myself for hours...waiting. Hawaii was truly different this time around, I'll say that much. Honestly I was a little sad that most of my friends there were too busy to hang out, with a few exceptions for which I am truly grateful for. I just had this weird funky feeling all weekend through, something between a mix of anxiety, bittersweetness, and self awareness.

One thing for sure, I learned this about myself: I need to make plans. Before landing on the island, I had told myself that I was going to toss my agenda out the window and go with the flow. Well, I was surprisingly successful but it sucked horribly. I wasn't able to commit to any plans with friends cause I kept on telling myself not to make plans, so I would end up doing nothing. Setting plans up is a GOOD thing, the key is to be FLEXIBLE. I'm bringing that back to the mainland.

A second thing I learned was humbleness. I experienced a few humbling moments that reminded me that I should never, EVER frown upon weaknesses of others because I have plenty of my own. I think it was getting easy for me to feel detached from the whole addiction and slavery to sin because I have been a ministry leader, so I was kept accountable for the most part. Not everyone has that. God totally knocked me off my self-appointed pedestal last weekend to, first of all, shed light on the mindset I had fallen into, and then to prove that I am no where near perfect but I AM called to be better.

And third (hahaha this whole thing was another list of mine in disguise. I love lists.) God has been faithful to me as I've been faithful to Him. Last summer I was scared to leave that island because I felt so loved by God there and I didn't know what to expect when I left to go back home. Since I've been back in Portland, God never let me go. He's blessed almost everything I've done, opened so many doors and given me so much more than anything I've ever expected. Pretty much it's like everything I touch becomes gold. Not at all really but that's just the picture I see in my head-like God has blessed me so much that everything I touch becomes blessed and it just makes my world that much more beautiful and valuable. On the plane back to Portland, I realized with a smile that God had shown me His love was too big to stay on that island, and that I carried so much of His love WITH ME that I didn't have to go to Hawaii to experience it again-He never left me. Oh man, I am a silly girl.

"You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

**(I think this is what I want for my next tattoo somewhere. I hope my parents aren't reading this)

I hope you also seek God with all your heart, because I promise you, you will find Him-and when you find Him, don't stop pursuing Him. It's like love- you don't stop liking someone once you meet them. Meeting the person is just the first part... and then you fall in love.

Oh, and I have grown quite fond of John Legend.

God's plans are bigger than my plans.

2010-01-20T19:33:00.003-10:00

And that means that sometimes I have to let go of my own plans in order to let His fall into place. Which wasn't all that hard in this case, since my plans weren't all that great anyway.

I really should stop going to these EPIC conferences. Last year, I was directly asked to go on Hawaii Summer Project, I said sure, and that was the beginning of everything. This year, my heart was already broken for Haiti, and God dared me to imagine what great adventures He had in store for my future. The theme of EPIC conference was HERO. Like, we can all be heroes if we choose to step out of our 'safe' lives and take risks to fulfill God's amazing story for our lives. So, my life is about to take another drastic spin.

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." In Chapter 11 of Hebrews, whoever wrote it states over and over again all the astounding things people have done because they had faith in God...

Ladies and gentlemen, I have realized that all my potential achievements, job earnings, and traveling experiences are completely meaningless to God. I have a whole lifetime to get those things together-I'm only 21!! God has called me to serve a greater purpose, to let myself get lost in His glorious imagination. I've spent my whole life being a rather selfish person, and now that I'm graduating college with the world facing me, it's time for me to experience living a completely selfLESS life.

I'm moving to Haiti when I finish school. I don't know exactly when, or which organization I'm going through yet, but I have faith that God will show me and that it will glorify Him. There is no way I could possibly do anything else!! God, He's so sneaky, He placed me in the perfect situation to have no excuses, me being a Public Health major and everything. But ever since I came to this realization, I have been filled with overwhelming joy and relief. Thank you God for answering my prayers and showing me exactly where to go.

God answered a lot of my prayers at Conference actually. I prayed like crazy for Conference, partly out of nervousness even. Who am I to doubt God's endless faithfulness? He sure showed me that His plans are bigger than my plans. So much seeking, healing, bonding and breaking down happened within our group. I wanted to drop down to my knees so many times throughout worship just purely out of awe in front of the Lord's presence in that room, but you know, I was raised in a Chinese church so it didn't happen haha.

I wish I could have spent more time with my campus during the trip, but it just wasn't realistic because I led a small group (AWESOME new friends that I ADORE) and was reunited with my Summer Project team!!! I feel so blessed to have these people in my life. But I did watch everyone in my EPIC, and just watching them love each other and discover more about themselves made me smile.

Thank you God for being such a generous, loving God. You know everything I need before I even think to ask for it. I can't wait til someday I'll finally get to meet You in heaven and we can go get tea..or coffee and we'll have lots and lots to talk about since You have blessed me with such a wonderful life with so many adventures.

My prayer for EPIC Conference

2010-01-12T17:34:00.003-10:00

Dear God,

I just need to lift up EPIC Conference to You. Lord, I can't do this on my own. Actually, I haven't been doing much. But Lord, I just pray for our EPIC group. We have been so incredibly blessed this year with so many new faces, leaders, believers and non believers, all Your children that You love and delight in. I pray that You will enter our hearts and transform our walks with You. I pray that ones that don't know You, will come to know You, and believe. I pray that the ones that are walking alongside You, will no longer walk, but start to run with You.

I pray for safety as we drive down, and I pray that we become more than just an organization on campus. I pray that we will come back as a family that selflessly, unconditionally love each other the same way we have experienced Christ's love for us. I pray that Your love will shine through this EPIC and shed light all through the campus like never before.

I pray that You work in all of our hearts, open up our minds, and heal our wounds. I pray that we will pursue You with all of our hearts, and fall even more in love with You, together.

In Christ's Name,

Amen.

New Year Resolutions

2009-12-30T13:06:00.003-10:00

I feel like I have to make them even though I don't see a point in it. Someone enlighten me! Every year I have the same goals:

1. Save money

2. Exercise

3. Be a better daughter, sister, friend, student, etc.

By February I have already forgotten what they were. This year I should make them S.M.A.R.T. goals (thank my Program Planning and Implementation class) which stand for Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Time-sensitive goals...I think. So:

-This year I will make it a goal to do a half marathon. (at least) Before the end of summertime.

-This year I will NOT open up any new credit cards (in store either) I will pay at least $100 a month to break down my debt. And if I pay if off, I will put 25% of my paycheck into a savings. AND I will NOT take all of that money out for shopping. I will not overdraft this year.

-I will hang out with my little brother at least once a month. Picking him up from one location and dropping him off at another does not count as hanging out. There must be an activity arranged.

-I will finish knitting the scarf for my dad.

-I will try harder to remember things when my friends talk to me about their issues. (This one isn't really a SMART goal)

-I will tithe. (10%)

-I will call at least one good friend a week and have a good conversation.

-I will make time for myself, and try to shower every other day. (M,W, F and Sun)

...okay I cannot stand to do anymore, I don't know if I'm feeling motivated or doomed now. Going to clean the house!

Web of Possibilities

2009-12-29T10:39:00.005-10:00

This Winter Break has been awesome. After a snowboarding trip, family time, spending time with missed friends, getting the privilege to counsel an amazing youth group retreat, Holiday parties, good conversations, relaxing and working in Corvallis, and plenty of time fighting through the mall crowds, I'm pretty satisfied and refreshed for another term to start.

But there has been something different about this break, because it's my last break as an undergraduate student. I'm graduating this year and then after that, the world awaits!!! For the past few weeks I've been struggling with my plans for the future, and created a "web of possibilities":

To go into details would be too long and boring, but here are the things that are important to me that will influence the path I take (not in order):

God

Money

Travel

Job experience

Graduate school

Making a difference in the world

People have been telling me to pray about it, and it sounds like such generic advice but I can never hear it enough.

Funny how the Bible always has something to say about everything: "Now, listen you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money. Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:13-15.

It's like God already knew that I will someday be worrying about this very thing. I have to ask myself, WHAT IS MY LIFE? Whoa. Deep question. I'm reading this verse again and again, and it is pretty humbling to acknowledge that my life here is so temporary. My first thought was EPIC, and how I feel as if I appeared out of nowhere to serve and lead, and next year I will be gone. But it gave my life so much meaning, because I think it was the Lord's will. If I join the Peacecorps, I may build close relationships with poor children, and then I will have to leave them. Anything that I choose to do will appear, and vanish eventually. I am only one person with one life to live and only one time to live it.

If anyone has any guidance for what I should do, or if they can feel God's will for me more strongly than I can, please let me know. I'm not lost, but I'm praying...

PS. Where it says "Marry Doctor" on my web, that's just a last resort.

Is my money where my heart is?

2009-12-07T21:50:00.006-10:00

I finally got to go to church for the first time in a while yesterday. Just when I was starting to feel that the message was getting repetitive since we have been going over the book of Proverbs for weeks, the pastor pointed out a verse that really struck me. Proverbs 3:9 "Honor the Lord with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops, then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine." He was telling us how much God wants to bless our lives in ways we could never have imagined, if only we trust in Him enough to give up a little MONEY.

I grew up watching my parents tithe faithfully. My childhood was blessed, my family was blessed in many ways. When I was little, my parents started giving me money to tithe myself. I tithed as long as my parents gave me money to tithe. I didn't understand the importance of it. When I started working, I would throw in five bucks here and there throughout high school and usually I wouldn't throw in anything at all because I didn't carry cash, and I felt like that was a legitimate reason to pass along the offering bag (I'm sure there is a fancier word for it). But I always felt convicted.

The Bible says that when we give God just a little bit of what He has given us, He will bless us with more than we can handle, our life will be overflowing. Our money is not our money, it is God's money. The things we have are not ours, we couldn't have obtained them without God letting us or providing us with them. PSH, God doesn't need our money. He just wants us to PROVE to OURSELVES that we believe in Him, that we trust in Him enough to let go of our MONEY.

As Americans, letting go of our money is one of the hardest things to do. I stumbled across a friend's Facebook note today about this very topic, and I'm writing this to toss in my own two cents. Before Black Friday, I was not in debt. After Black Friday, I was. What did I buy? Stuff I didn't need, and I even asked for stuff, like a new camera, which got stolen along with my wallet, cell phone, keys, and entire PURSE the very next day.

I think I learned the hard way that when I pursue things I want, God will slap me in the face and take away the things that I actually NEED. And those things that I thought I needed? I just got a cell phone again this weekend and my bank cards just came in the mail today, and I didn't miss them at all. It's okay. I'm glad it happened.

It taught me that all I need is Jesus because God has given me everything else with amazing abundance. I know that sounds corny, but I never thought that a week after losing everything, I would just laugh it off and feel entirely complete.

Matthew 6:21: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

So this Christmas season, I feel challenged to not ask for anything for myself. In fact, I will give instead. I know we've all heard before that is it better to give than to receive. I used to think that just meant that you should give other people really great presents and not expect much in return. I kind of want to venture a little past giving PRESENTS this year. AHH I'm still researching on exactly what to do, but here is one idea so far. Brendon really inspired me.

I'm going to GIVE by receiving. Lifewater International is a Christian charity that creates safe drinking water in the poorest nations for kids and provides them with resources for better sanitation. These kids deserve a future. How often do we take clean drinking water for granted? They don't. Being a public health major, I've scanned their program and it's legit.

So this is the first thing on my Christmas list this year.

1. I want a giftcard from Lifewater International. You can purchase them on their website: http://lifewater.org/v2/giftcards/Projects.aspx

If I receive giftcards, I pick which area I want the money to go towards, whichever region has the most personal significance to me (I'm not going to pick anything, so that it will go to wherever it is most needed).

Giving is something I am starting to learn the true meaning of. I truly do not need or want anything more than to give to others this holiday season. I shall update my list as I do more research. Money is just paper; it cannot buy happiness, love, friendship or meaning in life. Give more freely and God will give more freely to us. :-)

Love love love

2009-11-13T17:57:00.004-10:00

It's been months since I left the beautiful, warm beaches of Hawaii to embrace my future in ministry back in Oregon. It's been weeks since Fall term started and we launched a fresh EPIC at OSU. But only in the past few days has it really begun to dawn on me, "Hey. I'm really doing this. This is ME, this is what I love, this is me, in the process of discovering God's love and revealing my own, radiant light through Him."

I think if I didn't have friends, I would never have noticed how much I've changed. People keep on telling me that I've changed, and after I give them a weird look, they always reassure me that it's a good change. I think it's been happening more and more recently lately, like at least once a day now and I'm not doing anything differently. Maybe I smile bigger, maybe I just seem happier, maybe I just love people more.

In the past few weeks, God has really been teaching me how to LOVE people. I've discovered that there are people in my life that I don't always feel too especially loving towards. Loving people doesn't mean being nice to them. To love someone is to understand them, and to be honest with each other. I have never learned so much about loving people until serving as a leader for EPIC. Finally, I'm understanding the meaning of love. When you really love someone as your very own brother or sister, no matter what they do, it transforms everything...it softens my frustrations, twists my anger to concerns and turns their happiness into my joy. "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8 It's a much more pleasant way to live life.

Back in the day, when I was still holding out on God, I never thought that giving Him control of my life would be so fulfilling. I've learned to lay down many more things at His feet, yet I still struggle with doubt from time to time. Fulfilling doesn't always mean GOOD. My life is not always good, some days my life sucks. Fulfilling, to me, means meaningful. It's just really hard some days to not doubt that God has a better plan for me than I can ever imagine. But it's true, and I'm just getting started on my journey.

So right now, I'm just taking it all in. Experiencing the lifestyle of being a ministry leader is hard but so, so rewarding. I've grown so much through deep relationships I've formed, being inspired by my peers, and having to depend on God. Nothing could have happened and nothing will happen without His grace and mercy in our lives. I've learned to always love, to bind love and faithfulness close to my heart, and to always be seeking the Lord. Even on sucky days, because I have faith that He will bring days so awesome, I will be ashamed for doubting.

ALL THINGS take time...

2009-10-15T12:53:00.002-10:00

I haven't posted a blog in weeks! If you had seen me dragging myself around campus today, maybe you would have understood why. I have just finally showered for the first time in two days (my inner, dude-ish self is kinda proud of it) and I've taken up my old coffee addiction again. I think the big pile of sweats all over my bed that I've been picking my daily attire from may be an indicator that I'm doing too much. But I love everything I'm doing.

It just hadn't occurred to me til today that I had given up things I used to keep at the top of my priority list, without even realizing it. Things like going to the gym. Eating. Sleeping. Painting my toenails. Oh, bible reading. The funny part is that I'm spending my time planning EPIC, bonding in Women's Group, seeking out a church, etc. A good friend I spoke with today was pretty shocked when I told him I thought about putting time aside to spend with God, and that was enough to make me write this post. :-)

I was reminded today of the bible passage that goes: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 Notice it doesn't say "I can do EVERYTHING through Christ.." I can't do everything, I can only do some things, but whatever it is that I want to do, if I do it for GOD...hmm.

Okay this is such a broken train of thoughts I'm just going to stop here. To be continued!

On my EPIC senior year and such.

2009-09-28T19:41:00.003-10:00

I finally started classes today after what seemed like an endless summer. But after the crazy past few days, I only had one thing on my mind for my last year of college. This year is going to be EPIC. I can't say that I have EVER been this passionate, involved, committed, and in love with serving for any club, job, or organization before. EPIC is truly something different for me. I think that since being a part of a community of believers led me to encounter God, and He totally yanked me out of who I thought I was and freed me to become who I am, I don't have much choice but to be ridiculously obsessed with dedicating myself to others so that they can experience this amazing relationship. See, believing in God is a pretty easy and socially acceptable and politically correct thing to do. LOVING God is something completely different.

So yeah, I can't believe I'm leading EPIC this year. I'm not alone, there are now four of us, four dedicated, hardcore, God-dependent kids. I am totally confident that if we keep our eyes on the Lord and live by faith, God will be with us this year in everything that we do. Considering our rushed recruitment events last week, it's pretty obvious that God has our back. I DO struggle with anxiety, and I worry about little things a lot which helps to tie up loose ends, but in the end I have to remind myself that I have not been called to be successful in what I do. I am only called to be faithful.

Two years ago, I walked into a room in the Memorial Union crowded by a bunch of asians and I only knew one guy, but that was enough to spark friendships I never knew could exist. This crowd changed my life. If you haven't been invited already, I'm inviting you to EPIC in Room 213 this Thursday at the Memorial Union. And any/every Thursday after that. Don't worry if you don't know anyone, you know me, and I will there :-)

Different.

2009-09-10T19:53:00.005-10:00

Right now, I can barely keep my eyes open. But it's too early to sleep. I have a lot to say.

I've been through a lot since I've gotten back from Project. I've gone through more emotional and spiritual turmoil this past month than I have the entire summer! I didn't know I could feel so much, think so much, or change so much. I've dealt with isolation, healing, temptation, peace, bonding, sinning, grace, doubt, hopelessness, restlessness, and thirsting for God.

I never knew God could become such a big part of my life. I'm not saying that I'm super high and holy and I carry my bible in my purse everywhere I go, but life is different. It really is. I never really understood what it meant to live "not of this world" until this summer. I avoid things that brings me back to my life of (this is going to sound corny but..)...sin. A life of guilt. I'll be honest here.

I feel like I can't drink alcohol anymore, it's a big deal to me now. Not because I think drinking is bad. It's not, it's a very enjoyable (and finally LEGAL!!!) thing for me to do. It's because it makes me feel like one sip, and everything I've worked so hard to overcome has gone to waste. It's a personal thing that I can't really put into words. I don't think I'm a better person for not drinking, it could have been anything, but right now I don't miss it at all. Along with that is partying and clubbing. All the fun stuff that everyone does in the summertime. I find myself more at peace when I spend time with other believers, or something where I am loving God. That is the honest truth. It's who I am, and I can't explain it but I feel it. So I guess that makes me a boring person now eh? Not really, I think I've become more interesting than I've ever been. :-)

....there is so much more. But I am tired now. I will be better at posting regularly from now on. Oh and AHHHH I linked this page to my Facebook Notes, it just forwards it now. Maybe that's why I've gotten over 11,000 views? Was it always like that? I don't know. COOLIO :-)

NEW POST!!!

2009-09-03T22:49:00.002-10:00

I had an epiphany today.

Why did I stop blogging when lately I've had more to blog about than I ever had before? Because I was still stuck in this mindset of each blog of mine having it's own unique purpose. This blog was to document my Summer Project experience. And when I got back to Portland, I stopped cause I thought I was finished. But it's not over. In fact, Project didn't end when I left Hawaii like I thought it would. Project actually started when I came back...the very beginning of discovering who I am in Christ and taking my experiences from this summer and applying it not only to my campus, but into my life. Adjusting to the new meaning and love of my life, if you will.

So I now welcome you to the continuation of my blog. The end of the beginning, and the start of the best part ever. Cause you see the thing is, I left on Summer Project to seek out God. Somehow along the way, I accidently found myself, and I am changed forever.

Numero Uno.

2009-08-17T11:00:00.004-10:00

I've been back in Portland for about a week now, and it almost feels like nothing has changed, externally. Portland is always the same as it always been, my friends are the same, the streets are the same, my life is almost same.

The only thing that has really changed in my life is my relationship status, I am single. And that in itself has changed everything. I just now looked up "single" in the dictionary and, if used as a noun, "single" means an individual person or thing rather than part of a pair or a group. I've always been intrigued with the meaning of words. Most of the time, learning what the actual, formal definition of a word means, gives it a whole new meaning. Single sounds a lot better than ALONE (def. Having no one else present; on one's own.)

I am single but I don't feel alone. And I guess it's not quite official until I announce it somewhere on the internet, but I don't want to date again for quite some time. Maybe a year, that would be nice. Okay, it's out there now, no turning back :-).

I just feel called to enjoy myself as an individual and grow without limitations or hesitation. I don't want to depend on another human being for love, reassurance, or even emotional stability, because I will always be disappointed if I do. It doesn't feel like it now, judging from my last few days of moping around in bed, but I have huge ambitions, goals, plans, and dreams that I want to do myself. Haha, we'll see how successful I am, I doubt I will always feel this way, but I'll pray about it. I think I have so much to offer to my community, my friends, my campus, my city, even my church, maybe. I want to DO THINGS. Just right now, I'm not sure where to start. But I'm ready...

"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." James 2:14-17

The sun came out today, and I'm at a little open gelato cafe on 23rd by myself. I love Portland's generosity with wiFi. I am happy. I love myself, so now I can love others.

Hello Goodbye

2009-08-10T14:07:00.002-10:00

Project is over. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, most people were either excited or sad...I think I was more anxious to see what would happen more than anything else.

Well it WAS pretty depressing seeing people leave in twos and threes, every time we would all take a last group photo, and the group photos would be getting smaller and smaller. And some tears almost got jerked out of me when all the girls got flowers in their envelopes from the RAs we got to know really well over the summer. I guess I'm not that great with good byes, you just kind of have to grab your stuff and not look back.

This summer I experienced a bond that some people go their whole lives without. Before I started Project, I was pretty nervous about spending 24/7 with strangers all summer, eating every meal together, having meetings every day, living together, taking the bus together, etc. I'm not going to lie, people got on my nerves and many times I just preferred to be alone. But by the end of the summer, last week, I realized that I had never felt closer and more comfortable around a large group before. I loved each and every single one of those guys and they knew everything about me. Things my best friends from high school don't know. Things my sorority sisters don't know. Things my Epic youth group don't know. Things my parents and my boyfriend don't know. We shared our deepest hurts, thoughts, insecurities, hopes and dreams with each other, things I didn't know know about myself...

I never knew I was such a deep person haha, I always thought my life was pretty normal and there wasn't that much to know about me. I didn't know there were so many dimensions to me, I had different sides and different layers that I subconsciously chose to reveal or dismiss based on the impression I wanted certain people to have of me. I didn't know til this summer, how much of myself I had tossed behind me without examining what things meant. I still don't understand myself, but at least now, I'm trying.

Wow, I love going off on tangents. Anyways, the weekend after Project was pretty fun. Actually it was amazingly draining because I hardly slept, because I wanted to do everything. During our summer, our group met a delightful, lively, God-driven group of local youth. Most of them go to the same church and the rest are part of their own fellowship called Chi Alpha. They helped our group out so much, taking us out for outings, providing rides for us, hanging out with us at our dorms, growing with us, exposing us to Hawaiian culture. Our Epic Summer Project would have been completely different without them. We made such great memories together! I could go on forever on how much they have inspired and encouraged our team. So since Project has ended, I've been spending time with them, like hiking crazy trails to watch the sunrise, trying to surf, going to (supervised, traditional) house parties, exploring beaches, checking out churches, rock climbing, etc. I love these people.

So I haven't really had time to REALLY really reflect on Project yet, probably cause I'm still in Hawaii. But I'm bracing myself for when I will someday, or will I ever? I don't even know if I've raised enough support yet!! I regret not taking time to truly reflect and learn from so many things I've done in the past. This better not be the case, I spent all summer basking and growing in God's love. Right now I'm just trying to make the most of every day before I come back to reality. Back to the traffic rushes, concrete, rain, work, and obligations. I'm just really praying that it will be different this time.

I'll be back in Portland in two days, back into a whole separate world. Good bye Hawaii, hello Portland. UGH did I mention, it's been rainy and is going to be rainy for my last days here?! Stupid hurricane, God didn't want me to even out my tan....

Unashamed.

2009-08-05T01:36:00.007-10:00

Wow I can't believe I'm officially into the last week of Summer Project. It has just flown by and I wish I had blogged more about it! I've actually been struggling with how to respond to people when they ask me how it's been. How can you summarize seven enlightening weeks into a ten minute response? A three minute response? How about 30 seconds if they don't really care to hear your response?

So Josh, our Project Director, has returned to us for the last week of project. During our first training session, he actually addressed this very matter. WEIRD. You see, at the very beginning of Project we wrote down how we were feeling on cardboard, whatever it may have been. The intention was for us to write how we felt at the end of the trip on the other side of the cardboard piece. Then you flip it and bam, it's the fastest testimony ever. I'm pretty sure they got this idea from these Youtube videos.

On my first side from the start of summer, I had "100 MPH" written on my cardboard. Because everything was going so fast for me and I had no idea what I was in for. I was scared and I felt out of control, all I knew about Project from people that had gone before was that it changed their lives. I wasn't sure if I wanted that, I didn't want to change too much, I wasn't ready to give up certain parts of my life.

Last night, we wrote on the other side of our cardboard, how we felt at the end of summer after everything we had gone through and experienced. It took me a long time to think of what to write (I left the room, went to the bathroom, played with my hair and then came back) but the perfect word came to me: UNASHAMED. There is no other way to put it. I'm no longer ashamed of who I used to be, nor am I ashamed of who I am now. I simply love God, and I want to live my life in a way that will draw others to Him. My colorful past has become a strong testimony that my group encourages me to share, something I never thought I would be vulnerable enough to share with strangers. My faith is something I don't feel like I need to hide, in fact, it has become my passion...I finally know who I am and what I want. So I guess that's just the short version of how Summer Project was for me.

But it's not over yet...two more days. :-)

Lately it's been crazy here.

2009-08-01T00:57:00.002-10:00

And therefore I've been exhausted!!! You when you experience awesome things and then you go around all day thinking about how to blog about it, and then something else just as awesome comes up, and then you forget what the first thing was? And then the next day, nothing happens and then eventually you find yourself not updating your blog because you feel like there is nothing to talk about, even though there actually is so much you don't know where to start, but it's passed already?

Yeah.

So let's stick with today.

After briefing, I went to the beach to outreach with Sean, Mel and Kevin. It was really nice cause usually we go with our ministry teams but this week, well, it got switched up. We had really interesting conversations. Ask me about them. :-) It was good cause I felt like I haven't outreached in a while, so I felt pretty accomplished. Actually, one the girls we talked to today just added me on Facebook. And so did our server Gary from dinner the other night...Facebook is amazing.

Then we got ready for our Rooftop Open Mic Night. Long story short, it didn't turn out the way we had planned, but we had a great turn out anyway and everyone had a good time. I didn't realized that we've met so many people this summer til I saw the crowd today. There are only sixteen of us, but man, we are one popular group haha. The thing is, I think we have touched the lives of everyone who showed up today.

I really need to switch my vocabulary, I use "good", "great" and "amazing" a lot. OKAY it's 4:57 am (Portland time) and I am going to bed.

All things considered

2009-07-22T09:56:00.006-10:00

A incident happened last saturday morning that really knocked me back into reality with what my life will be like when I come back home to Portland Oregon. The lifestyle I've been living the past month in Hawaii is really not possible in the real world. I'm constantly growing by strong, inspiring Christian peers, we have worship and prayer every morning, we have small groups, training, mens and women's time and ohana time every week. We hang out in the dorm halls every night sharing our lives back at home with each other on our laptops, play songs, games, and embrace new friends when they join us. There is something too ideal, too perfect, too fragile about it because I know that back at home, I won't have any of these people with me anymore. Do I like living like this? Yes, I think God has really been comforting, rejuvenating and building up my soul here. This was something I really needed and I couldn't have made a better decision than to be right here for this summer.

But...who will be there for me when I get back? Will I be able to find the same fellowship from EPIC now that Amy, Tammy and Brian (oh, dear sweet friends) are gone? Will I compromise what I believe in to hang out with my old friends? Will I be strong enough to carry on and surround myself with individuals who have the same heart for Christ? And worst, the biggest burden in my heart of all, (and I know he will probably read this) what will become of my relationship with my boyfriend?

For our first Ohana time (family time, just activities that help the team bond with each other) we drew pictures of what our life was like at that particular moment in time. I drew a picture of me emerging to see a field of lovely flowers and I was standing on the grass, starting to enter, after I had gone through a long dark cave. But I'm standing on the edge because I still didn't know what was beyond what I could not see. Here it is! A picture of my picture.

I drew this about a month ago and sometimes, especially lately, I still feel the same way...

On a more certain side, there is no doubt I've grown a lot. I sat on the public bus and talked with a complete stranger for three hours the other day. THREE HOURS going around on Bus 6 around Honolulu. I think God has a sense of humor, because the person I was talking to happened to be a philosophy major and on that particular day, just felt like getting on the bus and staying on it to think about spiritual stuff. Eventually he said me, "So did you get into this? Have you always just gone around sharing your faith with strangers?" OMGOSH, NO. I never did before summer project and now it's the main topic of my conversations. ALL my conversations. It's really weird but I like of like this new me. I feel so comfortable doing it.

I love you all and miss everyone back at home. I've been checking out beaches in between ministries and it's been amazing.

Oh and if you're wondering why I haven't been posting up pictures of me in them lately, it's because...my life isn't about myself anymore. It doesn't always all have to be about me. :-)

OUR STAFF IS GONE!!

2009-07-19T00:28:00.003-10:00

This wednesday our staff left, all eleven of them. It's been part of this project for years, it's something they always do because they have found that time and time again, something amazing happens once the staff leaves. Our team pulls together and bonds like we never had to before. Kinda crazy thinking about it though, who does that? Who leaves a group of college kids in the middle of an island for the rest of the summer to carry out a missions trip together?! It's scandalous but I love the challenge. It's just us and GOD now!!!

It's too soon to tell what's going to happen though, but I shall miss them very much. They made such a huge impact on me in such a short period of time. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

What is Love?

2009-07-15T12:28:00.004-10:00

For the past two days I've been asking strangers left and right, "What is Love?" It sounds like a really weird thing to do, and that's why I'm doing it here in Hawaii and not at home haha. Well actually, now that I've done it, I think I might do it back at home as well. Why? Because people's answers have been blowing me away. We set up this trifold on the UH campus where people can write down what they think love is on Post it notes and stick it to our display.

Love is something different to everyone. Is it a feeling? To some. Is it real? Not to everyone. I found myself engaging in long, deep conversations over this matter. I've come to a few conclusions that aren't really conclusions because everything is relative, but there is one thing I know for sure. Love is imperfect among humans. Love is misunderstood, degraded, not taken seriously, twisted and faulty. It's a tricky thing. I looked up Love on www.dictionary.com and there were 28 different definitions...my point proven. But fear not. I know one place where there is a very clear and precise definition of love. (HAHAHA corny I know but please bear with me, this was my epiphany for the week)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps on record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

That is my favorite verse in the whole bible. (For those of you who know me well enough, I actually have 'patience' tattooed on my left wrist because above all else, patience is what I struggle most with when it comes to truly loving someone.) I think this verse is complete, pure truth of what love is and what it was meant to be. The problem is, us humans are incapable of perfect love because we aren't perfect. And I don't think I ever will be but that's okay. Only God is capable of this perfect love because, well, He's GOD and that's what God does. In order for us to love each other the best that we can, we have to let ourselves be loved by God first, and only then can we understand what love is.

I can't express the amazing patience God has given me. He never abandoned me when I was a rebellious punk in high school. He was there for me every time my heart was broken and listened when I prayed for comfort. And I've realized this summer so far more than ever before that God has placed so much hope and delight in me. So, God is love.

And some people wrote that on that on their Post its.

Update!!

2009-07-13T01:31:00.008-10:00

(^^ SOULARIUM!!! This is how we get spiritual conversations started while at the beach)

It's been too long!! I really need to be more consistent, something I've always been lacking when it comes to blogs :-) The past few days have been challenging and trying for me. I've gotten a lot closer to many of the staff women and a few of the girls whom have helped me process through stuff I've been experiencing lately. Wow, that was vague. Well, they are incredible women and I am so grateful to have met them and have them join me on this crazy journey!!

Speaking of incredible women, we also have some quality guys on our team. Yesterday, they actually serenaded all the girls and took us out on a surprise picnic to watch the sunset at the beach!! It was so cute!! It was just so thoughtful of them to plan everything out in such great detail, they even had little bottles with our names on them with notes inside for us. I've never been in a group date like that before. They put so much effort into making us feel appreciated and special. We stayed til after sunset, taking pictures, eating sandwiches they made and singing worship songs. It was beautiful and now I can see how simple a marvelous date can be when you learn to appreciate God's gift of beauty and nature in our little world. It was one of the highlights of my weekend. Thank you, Epic Hawaii men.

I've been thinking lately, more than I usually do. To put it bluntly, little things here and there have been getting on my nerves, and the fact that those things bother me, upset me even more because they shouldn't. You see, I'm not all that great at resolving conflict. I'm not known for my confrontation skills. And even as I am writing this I haven't confronted anyone, simply because I've been thinking about these things for so long that I don't really see why I was mad in the first place. Unless it happens again. But one verse sticks out to me. "Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned.; forgive, and you will be forgiven." Luke 6:37. I did not pull that off the top of my head BTW. It was just in the program for the church service we went to, but it was just want I needed to see.

One question that I've been asking myself is, do people get drawn to Christ by the way I live my life? Because I know for me personally, I was drawn to Christ when I met my Epic ohana, like Aaron, Amy, Tammy, Brian, etc. THEY truly loved and lived their lives the way I think God intended it to be. They inspired me and loved me simply because God loved them and so they knew how. There is such a big difference between being a Christian and loving God. I know that my heart has changed, now I'm struggling with having my actions reflect that as well. Robbyn, one of the coolest intern/student/staff girls, pointed this verse out to me: "We know that the law is spiritual, but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." Romans 7:14-17 And it goes on and on, like Paul (the dude who wrote it) is just writing down his train of thoughts as he comes up with them. But really, those verses define me right now. I'm striving to live my life as a light to others. I am trying to breath, walk, think, act more like Jesus (as corny as that sounds, I can't think of any other way to put it haha). And I don't think God could have dragged me to a better place to grow. Oh breath-taking Hawaii.

Pictures from Diamondhead!

2009-07-06T22:40:00.006-10:00

On Spoken Prayer

2009-07-04T08:43:00.003-10:00

This is something I have been struggling with since this Project began.

First of all, what is prayer? Prayer is just us Christians talking to God. Naturally, if you are in a relationship, you must communicate with them. God loves hearing our prayers, no matter what we pray about. I've seen first hand how powerful prayers can be. They have healed sicknesses, comforted heartbreaks, restored souls, and even raised $13,500 in two days for our team before we arrived to Hawaii. It's the most important thing we can do as Christians. Lots of people get turned away from God because He doesn't answer their prayers right away. But if God answered everybody's prayers, and did whatever they wanted Him to do right away, He wouldn't be God. No one can control God. I strongly believe that God has a plan and that when He doesn't answer, it doesn't mean He's not listening (God is always listening). It's because He has something BETTER in store for us. I have a million examples but one just off the top of my head, is when I was about five and my parents were looking to buy a house and I kept on insisting on a pink house. I begged and begged and my parents just laughed at me. I'm pretty sure that at such a young age, I truly, genuinely desired a hot pink house. Eventually, my dad gave in and bought a pink house. Just kidding. The point is, I'm really glad I didn't grow up in a pink house. Even though I really, really wanted it at the time, my dad knew better. But he listened to me and fondly recalls my little girl dreams! God desired us to talk to him in the same way because He loves me and longs to hear my voice too.

Anyways, hmmm prayer. The truth is, the thing that has been bugging me is that I feel like I suck at praying out loud. I dread group prayers and I never volunteer to pray for the team. My hearts just starts beating faster and I feel a huge lump in my throat, something that I have never experienced in public speaking environments. I feel like as I hear other people's prayers, I'm struggling to listen because I'm just panicking over what I'm going to pray about, and I don't want to say the same thing. I worry that when it's my turn to pray, it will be obvious to everyone that I'm not an expert prayer, that I don't pray enough to feel comfortable using all their elaborate phrases. While other students are praying out loud for the campus, for the Holy Spirit to fill us, for the Lord to prepare the hearts of those we will encounter today, I am feverishly praying silently for God to just give me words to say when it's my time to pray. But I don't hear anything back. I don't hear God pitching me a few good sentences, no flashes of vivid inspirational images. And then when it's my turn to go, I mumble something generic and short just to get it over with. I feel like it's not personal, it's not enlightening, it's not what God wanted from me. When I pray out loud, I feel like it's more for other people, than for God to hear my heart. THIS REALLY BOTHERS ME. When I pray alone though, it's totally different (but that's whole another story).

I talked to a few of my comrades and they were pretty understanding. They helped me realize that maybe the reason why I feel so much anxiety praying out loud is because I don't do it enough. And they may be right, since I never had many Christian friends growing up or was involved in many activities where I was required to pray. In fact, I never really had to pray out loud til I was on Staff at Theophilus this past spring break. I'm not used to articulating my prayers. I guess there are also many ways to pray and everyone has their own style, like, I prefer to pray in my head and write, but God likes to hear our voices. It's like I prefer texting God instead of just calling Him. Well, actually, I text my dad all the time, but I think he would much prefer and enjoy to hear my voice from time to time. I'm sure it makes him really happy every time I tell him I love him. I bet, however, he would be more thrilled if I announced it in front of friends and family. There's something about saying it in public that makes it even more meaningful. Sometimes. Am I right or am I just rambling now?

SO I'm not really sure what my point is anymore. I just wanted to expose a weakness of mine, so that you can pray for me and so that I could process it and pray for myself also. God loves weaknesses, He uses them for His glory all the time throughout the bible. I know that I'm in Hawaii this summer because God wants to use me and I desire for Him to reveal His plans for me!

Oh and of course, happy fourth of July everyone!!!

THURSDAY

2009-07-03T07:38:00.001-10:00

So yesterday was day TWO of not having a cell phone and it was pretty bearable!! My team AWESOME caught the first bus to the first beach and ended up at Magic Island, where we did Soularium again all day. I thought yesterday was the most 'successful' because almost everyone we approached happened to be Christian in some way, shape or form, and the conversations we had with them yesterday, I think, was just what God had planned.

One guy stuck out, I won't say his name, but he was a cool guy. We were sharing Soularium with a woman somewhat close by to him, and since I noticed him looking over and eavesdropping into our conversation, I asked if he wanted to participate next! Turns out that he used to be in the military and surrendered to Christ when he got out, even though he was raised as a Christian. He just went through a rocky breakup with his ex girlfriend and they had a little 3 year old boy together which they have joint custody over. The Lord was his greatest healer during his times of need and now the center of his joy and new perspective on life. It was nice, chatting with a tattooed, mean-looking military guy and watching him tear up as he talked about all the great things God has done in his life. Daniel and I ended up talking for almost an hour, but I felt a great connection with him when it came to changing our ways and striving for something better than our old lives. I think he was really happy that he got to talk to other christians and I know that we encouraged each other yesterday. Complete, total, strangers.

On a different note, I think I really need to spend more quiet time with God. I've been so busy here, meetings all the time, trying to get ready in time to catch meals, people waiting to take off on the bus, that I haven't really spend all that much time by myself. And when it comes to reading the bible...The women in our group are all reading a book together called A Modern Girls Guide to Bible Study. In it, there are a few separate categories of what kind of bible reader we are. I am...The Christian book marathon reader. WHICH MEANS I tend to read books ABOUT the bible and God's view on certain topics rather than reading the actually bible. It's something that definitely be improved upon and I will be working on that part of my journey as well this summer.

Anyhow, thanks to everyone who has supported me thus far!! I love you all!

He said I was an angel.

2009-06-30T19:35:00.000-10:00

At 8:09 am this morning, we boarded the bus heading downtown to River of Life Mission Shelter. My team of four (Team Awesome) were going to serve there from 9 to 3pm. As soon as we got there, we were lead around on a tour (by the extremely handsome director, James) and it was quickly apparent that this was no ordinary shelter.

River of Life was the closest thing to a church I've ever seen. This organization receives no government funding because they constantly share the gospel, but it is thriving from private donations. The facilities had four showers and amenities, shaves, clothing and social services for those in need. The staff knew their 'guests' by name, and both were wholehearted happy to see each other, they were like old friends. Together we had worship and chapel times before each meal served. For a short period of time, it didn't matter who was homeless and who wasn't, we were all just worshiping the same God who loved and valued everyone just as much.

As James was showing us around the building upstairs, a poster caught my eye of a smiling middle school kid wearing a jean outfit with the phase "Always be courageous!!" and some bible verse. I just had to comment on how corny it was, but then James said that he hated that poster and told us why. He said something about how they use to have it downstairs in the dining hall, but then took it down cause no one could relate to it. "Homeless people get spat on, kicked it, beat up, raped in their sleep, fight with drug addictions, starve on the streets. How can they relate to that poster? That kid doesn't know anything. We don't even know half the things they have gone though." Something inside of me broke, I felt angry and hurt at the world for being so cruel and unfair. Why do I get to be a privileged college student while another girl my age is sleeping on the streets in fear every night? Why don't people care about the needy? Why do we ignore them and pretend that their problems don't exist? Or worse, why do we so many times pretend that THEY don't exist?

I started praying throughout the day whenever I wasn't busying wiping tables or refilling trays. I wanted to know people's stories, where they were from , what their names were, how they got to this point of their lives. I begged God to watch over them and protect them and comfort them, to give them peace and hope. And I found that they delighted in having conversations with me. I was scared at first, but I told myself that they were my guests and I was there to serve them. I talked to so many people today, just asking them how their day was, what their names were, and telling them about myself, just like a server would in the light, chatty mood. I found that every time I looked someone in the eye and smiled, they always smiled back at me and I felt like we were both blessed. One man even told me I was an angel. :-)

I really wanted to stay for dinner too but we had to go. This was probably my second time serving at a kitchen but it had never felt this rewarding before. I'm finding myself thinking about individuals I've met and wondering if I will get to see them again. Hopefully we will be serving at the same kitchen next week. I wonder if they will remember me. God bless them and the staff working there.

Amen.

Being the Lost Runner in Hawaii.

2009-06-30T16:25:00.003-10:00

I decided to be super adventurous and run into out into the unknown this beautiful, bright and sunny morning in Honolulu. I had my short shorts on, my room key stashed in the back of my hot pink sports bra, and plenty of sunscreen. I headed out excited to conquer new terrain and maybe spot some places to come back and eat at later. I head uphill next to the University of Hawaii, passing main roads, small stores, curvy neighborhoods, and eventually I was lost.

I didn't want to stop though, so I kept on going til I hit another main street and ran along side that until well, my sidewalk got skinnier and skinnier until I realized I was at the merging point of a freeway. That was a little embarrassing.

After asking at least three locals I finally found myself heading back in the right direction. I didn't really mind the detour though, Hawaii has lots to see. I got back just in time to catch breakfast at the cafe, can you believe they stop serving at 8:30 am?!!

I kind of liked being lost though. I don't know how to explain it. I kept on thinking about this youtube video!!! It was kind of liberating.

SO after being on this island for a week I finally got a good 40-ish min run in. Now I finally have something to log on Strands.com hahaha!

On outreaching.

2009-06-26T23:42:00.000-10:00

Today was our first day of outreaching on the beaches. Josh Chen, our project director, gave a very inspirational briefing talk this morning. We learned about the different types of ministries and how all of them are needed. I forgot the types haha but I just remember that we will be spending our time in Hawaii doing different forms of ministries each day. One point he made that especially stuck out to me was that we share our faith with strangers because if each Christian in this world reached our to all our friends, parts of the world population will still be unreached because not everyone knows a Christian. We also watched a video about an atheist man talking about his experience of being evangelized to. He's still an atheist, but he said something very profound: " How much do you have to hate someone to not tell them about the Gospel?"

The Amazing.

2009-06-25T22:06:00.000-10:00

Today our team activity was something like The Amazing Race, but it wasn't a race, so really it was just called The Amazing. We got split up into four teams and got sent out to complete tasks on a list. The purpose of this was to explore the island and pretty much figure out how to get around using public transportation and asking locals for directions. It was fun!!

We took a picture with the Duke statue at Waikiki, got L&L by international marketplace, built a sand castle at Magic something (island?), took a picture with a Walmart greeter, got shaved ice at Waiolas, filmed our interpretation of the U of H emblem, etc.

One thing that stuck out to me was the task of using our solariums to start a spiritual conversation at Ala Moana. Solarium is a very unique tool to provoke deeper thoughts about spirituality through pictures. It's a deck of about 50 cards and people pick out which images resonate the most with them when asked questions like, "Pick three images that represent what your life is like now. Why?" and "Pick an image that symbolizes God to you, and why?". It's actually pretty fun to do and interesting to see how people interpret these random pictures of old couples holding hands, a girl sitting alone in a bathroom, a sparrow in someone's hand, someone stuck in a locker. It tells you an outstanding amount about a strangers beliefs just by which cards they pick. I'm pretty sure it's a Campus Crusade for Christ thing, and you can find out more about them here.

It was my first time using them today and we broke off into partners to initiate conversations in the food court. My friend Aaron and I started talking to these two girls whom we quickly found out were atheists. Their lives were pretty happy and normal for college girls and I found them easy to relate to. One of them felt like if there was a God out there, He never picked up the phone. The other was tired of being pressured to choose a religion since her mother was Catholic and her father was Jewish, and so she chose to have no religion at all. I guess my partner and I weren't really sure how to wrap up the session after we ran out of the scripted questions, so we thanked them for sharing, they wished us luck, and we parted.

Now as an afterthought, I really wish one of us offered to pray for them or asked them if they had any prayer requests. I find it difficult to switch the conversation from best west coast universities, to talking about how God is working in my life, with complete strangers. They seemed content and were having a relaxing day back at home for the summer, but I hope that somehow we planted a smidgin of curiosity for God in them.

Well, it's late and I'm going to bed! It's only 10:38pm here but it's 1:41am in Portland and I'm still fighting to keep awake!! We are going to be spending tomorrow at Waikiki beach, outreaching. SCAAAAAAAAARy but exciting. Pray for our team!!! Good night y'all (I picked that up from the texans on our project) :-)